"Court rules against groins." This is a perfect headline, because it does the one thing a headline is supposed to—makes you want to read the story. Now the reader absolutely has to find out what those naughty groins were trying to pull. Nothing, as it turns out. "Groins" are a kind of stone breakwater.
"Husky women crush Oregon." The campy 1950's horror movie vibe which this one inspires is deflated when you realize it is simply referring to the ladies of UW basketball defeating their rivals from the south.
"Don't ban public smoking, say funeral directors." There is actually a reasonable explanation for their request, but it isn't funny.
"Roach wants body-piercing consent law." What, world domination and the ability to survive a post-nuclear wasteland aren't enough? No, it seems Ms. Roach is, in fact, a state senator worried about preteens with infected tongue studs.
"U.S. will make $50 buffalo golf coins." I think they meant "gold" coins, but go with it. Buffalo golf coins! A big, furry buffalo head on the front, and two guys in an electric cart chasing geese on the back. And the slogan? "In God We Trust." Hey, it is golf, after all. Prayer is as important as your putter.
"County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds." The government is nothing if not predictable.
"Sheep research could explain human sexuality." If you are like me, you are hoping you just mis-read "sleep research," but no. If you are like me, the visual which this "sheep research" conjures in your brain is going to keep you awake the rest of the week. Or if the visual doesn't, the knowledge that the National Institute of Health spent $800,000 on this study will.
"Heart failure classes planned." This reminds me of another headline I saw recently, "County fears shortage of swine flu." I assume that somewhere in the process the word "vaccine" got cut, probably because somewhere in the process the editor got cut, and is now singing on the street corner for spare buffalo golf coins.
"Man executed after long speech." Do you think they meant "exhausted"? This is another example where "spell check" didn't help, but "reality check" might have.
"Meeting on open meetings is closed." Abbott and Costello presiding.
"Missippi's literacy program shows improvement." Read that again. Now if only the program would do outreach.
"Abuse reports have shot up since a new Animal Cruelty Team was formed." Well, what did they expect? Maybe they should have formed an Animal Cuddling Team instead.
"Psychics predict world didn't end yesterday." Nor did it end last year, when they stopped making new episodes of "The Wire." It just felt like it.
And finally, more headlines from actual newspapers, all of which could just as easily have been headlines in "No, Duh" Weekly: "Soldiers face violence every day," "Walking in the rain will get you all wet," "Fire crews face heat and flames," and my favorite, "Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons."
Headlines are to publishing what shiny lures are to fishing. Imagine if I had titled this column "Waters Dangles Participle In Public." Truth in advertising, sure, but let's face it—the payoff is rarely as good as the tease.
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Here are a few bonus samples which did not make the cut.
Really, what editor, presented with a ballplayer named Colon, could resist something along these lines? I saw another paper's take on this which had the headline "Rangers get whiff of Colon." Editors are only human, folks.
O.K., sometimes less than perfect humans. On deadline. Understaffed. Etc.
What, you never heard of the Phillippines' Moro Islamic Liberation Front?
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