Sunday, August 14, 2016

Rio dances the Summer Olympics samba...or is that the trots?

The XXXI Olympic Games are well under way, with the motto "A new world" ("in which you shouldn't breathe too deeply or let our water touch you.") I believe the "XXXI" is an affectionate nod to the "toxic" symbol you used to see on poison bottles in old cartoons.

Recent studies showed that the water at Copacabana, where the triathletes swim, is contaminated with drug-resistant "super bacteria." Same at Ipanema. This explains why all the people who watch the tall and tan and young and lovely girl passing go "ahhh." They are probably hopping from foot to foot outside the restrooms.

This is the first Summer Olympics which will take place entirely in winter. File that away under "Southern Hemisphere" for when you need to win a bar bet.

So the temps will be mild, but the air toxicity is three times worse than the levels the World Health Organization calls "worrisome." I do not think the athletes from a first-time Olympic competitor like South Sudan will define this as hardship, though.

Worst of all, the IOC still hasn't brought baseball back. There was room to add two sports this Olympics, and what did they choose? Golf and rugby. And it's not even regular rugby, it's called "rugby sevens," where a whole game takes just 16 minutes.

In baseball, fans can soak up three to fourteen hours of pleasure, where in rugby a bunch of guys just square off and grunt against each other until Ty Cobb rolls over in his grave. That's apparently five points. Metric too, probably.

The Olympic motto is "citius, altius, fortius" ("faster, higher, stronger"), and I am not sure where golf fits in there. At least in trampoline they've got one of the three covered; plus, there are statistically pleasant odds that somebody might fly into the stands.

I love some of our U.S. athletes' names. I look forward to rooting for tennis player Jack Sock and runner Charles Jock. I think they should start a clothing company. Field hockey player Katie Bam and cyclist Sarah Hammer should open a brewpub. Runner Molly Huddle and beach volleyballer Brooke Sweat could make a fortune with a chain of gyms.

I always enjoy the Olympics, and I am sure that with a purported 85,000 soldiers and police deployed on the streets, the tourists will enjoy them too. How do you say "Wear full-body latex, everybody!" in Latin again?












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