Sunday, September 25, 2016

Famous duos I'd like to see duke it out

I was a kid when the Adam West "Batman" was first on TV, and I "BIFF-POW"'d my way through recess in elementary school. To me, the darkness which has been foisted on the Batmen for the last two decades in film is a weak choice. Dude saw his parents murdered, grew up, realized he was rich and got over it. No brooding required.

I finally watched "Batman v Superman," and I do not think I have ever seen anything so dark and incomprehensible except maybe this election cycle. But it got me thinking—what other famous pairs would I like to see take each other on? The list is long.

  • Han Solo v Chewbacca. When Chewie spoils one too many of Han's blind dates by stinking up the apartment with a burned skillet of bandaras, it's ON. Projected winner of the fight: Han. He's totally willing to go dirty. Plus, with that bandolier across his chest, Chewie's got no reach.
  • Macaroni v cheese. Cheese always gets the credit. It's the Jerry Lewis to macaroni's Dean Martin, but somebody's got to provide a base. Macaroni on its own is bland, but without it, what have you got? Cheese. Are you French or something? Projected winner: macaroni, because it's got backup in the neighborhood (fuggetabouddit.)
  • Chip v Dale. A cage. Two chipmunks enter, one chipmunk leaves. Projected winner: Dale. Decades of second-billing have fostered a resentment with teeth in it. Chip has always been portrayed as the clever one, but as reality TV has taught us, bitter beats clever every day.
  • Simon v Garfunkel. I would pay so much to see this. I picture the rabbit punches and the rolling around the floor and the "You'd be nobody without me!" Projected winner: too close to call. It might just come down to each individual pacemaker manufacturer.
  • Fish v chips. Like Simon and Garfunkel, the qualities of the two are so evenly matched it is hard to appreciate them separately. I give the edge to fish, because it was at least, at one time, sentient.
  • Lady v Tramp. I know you wanted a happy ending, but real life rarely obliges. When Lady catches Tramp sucking spaghetti with Perdita from "101 Dalmations," alert Elton John because the bitch is back. Projected winner: Disney, with its first animated film rated R for violence, "Tramp Stamp."

On the undercard: Chips v salsa, Thelma v Louise, Snoopy v Woodstock. The edge: salsa, Louise, Snoopy.

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