Sunday, October 16, 2016

Creepy Clownvasion debunked in candid interview

"Creepy" clowns have been in the news this week, probably because during an election like this, it's what we deserve. The rumor was, creepy clowns were coming to kill us, in our schools, in our homes, perhaps busloads but at least pickup-truckfuls, coming to slay us in really big shoes. As if every TV debate isn't a little death already. You'd be doing us a favor, Bozos. 

Last Monday I found the following ad in the Craigslist personals: "From Los Angeles to West Covina, I am comeing to kill u so be afraid. LOL." So I sat down with the creeper, who agreed to meet with me and chat about this whole clownvasion thing.

GW: Firstly, your name is Gat?

Gat: Yes, Gat. 

GW: Like slang for "gun"? Gat?

Gat: No, short for gato, like "cat." See [spreads his shirt collar] I have a tattoo of a kitty on my clavicle.
GW: Oh. That's...actually a tattoo of a clown eating a cat.

Gat: Yeah, I get a lot of compliments.

GW: You've, uh, never really...

Gat: Chowed down? [laughs] No, it's just to mess with people.

GW: So you consider yourself a creepy clown.

Gat: Not clown. I prefer "murder specialist."

GW: Fair enough. How did this rumor about killer clowns get started?

Gat: Some kids lied about seeing creepy clowns luring kids into the forest, and it took off. 

GW: How do you know it was a lie?

Gat: What kid over the age of one is gonna follow a clown into the forest, bro?

GW: But the idea was creepy enough, so other people spread it?

Gat: Yeah, suddenly it's nationwide clowns. It's dumb. Your bloodthirsty clowns, really, it's just me, and CrazyHair Bojangles, and Smiley Fofiley, and Ruffles. Just four of us.

GW: And your ad says you will terrorize everyone between...

Gat: L.A. and West Covina. It's limited, because we take the bus. 

GW: How many people have you murdered? 

Gat: Well, it's more of an intention thing, really. Like a to-do list.

GW: So you put on the frowny makeup and the angry eyebrows and pointy plastic teeth...

Gat: Yeah, and maybe stand on a street corner.

GW: And place ads online. 

Gat: Terror isn't gonna spread itself. 

GW: You're not really a murder specialist.

Gat: Well, when I'm not in makeup I'm actually a political consultant.

GW: Now that's scary.

Gat: Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

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