Sunday, December 11, 2016

Beaver made famous in Maryland dollar store tells all

You may have seen the story last week of the beaver which supposedly entered a Maryland dollar store and wrought havoc on its artificial Christmas trees. Jonesing for the real thing, supposedly, and outraged at the deception. It smelled like fake news to me, so I got the beaver on the phone for an interview.

GW: Hi, are you the beaver from the dollar store?

Beaver: I'm from Schenectady, but, yes, that's me.

GW: What is your name?

Beaver: Bvvvphhht!

GW: Wow.

Bvvvphhht: It's a family name. I'm keeping it simple for you. There are chirps and stuff too, and several seconds of flatulence.

GW: Thank you then. Well, let's get to it. There were pictures of you in a lot of papers last week. As if a wild beaver just wandered into a dollar store, without fear, and let people walk up and take pictures. Level with me. You're tame, right?

Bvvvphhht: You mean married?

GW: I mean not wild. You live with people. You're a pet. This was a stunt.

Bvvvphhht: Tame is a strong word, bro. I admit I'm pretty chill, but I live in the woods. Dam. Lodge. The whole lifestyle.

GW: So you are asking me to believe you just happened into a dollar store and ended up near the fake Christmas trees.

Bvvvphhht: I thought it was a Hobby Lobby. I was looking for one of those three-wick scented candles.

GW: Um, why?

Bvvvphhht: Ever been in a beaver lodge?

GW: Ah.

Bvvvphhht: Smells like a muskrat exploded.

GW: How were you going to pay for the candle?

Bvvvphhht: Pay? How am I managing to use a phone and speak English?

GW: Good point.

Bvvvphhht: I wasn't looking for publicity. I got a little lost. Next thing I know, this guy has his phone out and he's laughing at me, but all I see is boxes with pictures of trees on them. The boxes smelled delicious. Cardboard you call it?

GW: Yes.

Bvvvphhht: I couldn't help myself. I sniffed them. They were like wood, but soft.

GW: I apologize. I thought it was all staged.

Bvvvphhht: No problem. I guess my mistake entertained some people.

GW: What's next for you?

Bvvvphhht: Me and Pizza Rat are shooting a remake of "The Odd Couple."

GW: Ha ha.

Bvvvphhht: It's a little obvious, but it's hard to push boundaries these days.

GW: Change the system from within, dude.

Bvvvphhht: I'm on it.

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