Sunday, December 18, 2016

We have reached civilization's pinnacle: self-tying shoes

No doubt about it; what happened last month was a clear sign of the End Times—they invented the self-tying shoe.

It is not something anybody on Earth needs, so naturally, much like the deep fried chocolate covered pickle, that made inventing it irresistible. You might not have heard the shoe hoopla over the crashing down of the hopes and dreams of two coasts of voters, but it happened. There was shoe hoopla.

Why did humans invent the self-tying shoe? Well, if Sir Edmund Hillary were here, I think he would probably say, "Heck if I know. Who needs that?"

It is not even a self-tying shoe, it is a self-inflating shoe, and we have had those for 25 years already. The Pump. Remember the Pump? You squeezed a little basketball on the tongue of your shoe and it tightened around your foot?

Ah, but this one is different, they say. They are right. This one costs $720.

Plus the electric bill. Yes, the 21st Century self-tying inflating shoe uses batteries, so you have to plug in your shoes at night. Ray Bradbury, even dead, is rolling his eyes.

The novelty is, when you step into them, they automatically tighten up, like a blood pressure cuff. There is no "tying," self or otherwise, but nobody in marketing is going to let you hype a "self-fluffing shoe."

Step in and the shoes whir with the faintly nostalgic sound of a VCR ejecting a tape. The underside glows a futuristic blue, as if you are jogging on a peaceful ocean of gullibility.

Like the Apple Watch, wearing these is a statement. It says about you, "I am on the forefront of the cutting edge, and out here on the cutting edge we pay $720 for what we used to call 'slip-ons.'"

The shoes do not come with a remote, which seems odd. How else do I loosen the shoes without bending over? Avoiding bending over is, I would think, the whole point. I guess if you can afford these shoes, you have people for bending over.

It is the 21st Century, and shoelaces are one more thing you can finally stop concerning yourself with. Add it to the list, along with truth, civility and the quaint notion that clothes make the man. A man makes himself. But if anybody wants to give a man novelty marshmallow shoes for Christmas, a man does not have a heart of stone.

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