Sunday, February 5, 2017

Some executive orders I'd like to see if I were in charge

These days presidents like to write executive orders a lot; the whole "easier to ask forgiveness than permission" gambit. Imagine if us non-presidents could do the same.

Waters' Executive Orders, in order of executivity:

1. Men and women will be paid the same for the same work, but the key to the Thermostat control box will be accessible only through straight-up graft.

2. People leaving their Christmas lights up all year round will be required to give out bottles of wine to neighborhood parents on Halloween.

3. Neckties will be abolished except for politicians, and will double as leashes.

4. All federal agencies currently best known by initials will be identified instead by Slurpee-esque flavors. The IRS, for example, will be known as Razzberry Roids, the CIA as Kiwi-booya!, etc.

5. Nothing but suffragettes' faces on all the money.

6. No prices on anything of any kind will end in any number other than 0.

7. People still writing checks in the supermarket line will be promptly put on a bus to somewhere warm but far away.

8. Yarn-bombing, the act of knitting yarn sweaters onto public statues, fire hydrants, etc., will be a mandatory skill for all fourth graders.

9. Every restaurant has to offer lasagna or pie. Ideally both.

10. People using the word "immigrants" in a sentence will be required to explain in detail what style of tipi their ancestors lived in.

11. Grilled onions. No exceptions.

12. All museums must involve dinosaurs.

13. The overused term "gaslighting" shall be struck from our lexicon, as well as the words "gas" and "lighting" just for good measure.

14. Annual evaluations at work will have to include a taco truck.

15. The locks in the Panama Canal will all be removed simultaneously "just to see happens."

16. Hash browns go to the top of the food pyramid.

17. Politicians telling easily-verifiable lies on Sunday morning talk shows will have their homes filled, floor to ceiling, with all those pennies we don't need any more.

18. If your cat kills a bird, society gets to super-glue a bumper sticker of its choice on the back of your car.

19. Every new update of a computer system/phone will come with a teenager.

20. Pregnant women whose bellies are rubbed by total strangers will be allowed by law to tie the offender's shoes together and toss them up on a power line.

Now all you've got to do is elect me to something.

. . .


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