Researchers recently discovered a new species of pistol shrimp (motto: "Pistols don't kill people, shrimp don't either, unless you're allergic.") It has a bright pink claw which it can click so loudly the noise can kill nearby fish. Scientists have dubbed it Synalpheus pinkfloydi, a nod to a rumor that Pink Floyd once played so loudly in concert they killed fish in a nearby pond. I caught up with the pink critter this week for an interview.
GW: Welcome. May I just call you Floyd?
Floyd: Sure, why not. HEYYY, who knew I could talk?
GW: You were big science news this week. You would think scientists had never seen a shrimp with a neon pink killer claw before.
Floyd: It never ceases to amaze me what impresses people.
GW: They say you can click that sucker so hard it hits 210 decibels. A jet engine is only 140.
Floyd: What is a jet engine?
GW: Well, that's going to be hard to explain. Let's just say it's very loud.
Floyd: Does a jet engine also kill passersby with the manly clack of its claw?
Floyd: Does a jet engine at least eat passersby?
Floyd: A jet engine sounds like a wuss. I could take a jet engine.
GW: Moving on, does the blazing color of your claw serve some purpose?
Floyd: You're asking me?
Floyd: I didn't have a say. I didn't ask for flamingo-paw. I am playing the cards I was dealt.
GW: Why do you suppose nature gave you a flaming claw with which to stun fish?
Floyd: Why did nature give you freckles and a forehead the size of a dinner plate? Nature rolls the dice. Sometimes you get "hard leathery shell, lifespan of a century." Sometimes you get "rockin' pink nutcracker, delicious with cocktail sauce."
GW: I was reading about your cousin, the mantis shrimp.
Floyd: That guy. He can punch through the shells of his prey with the acceleration of a .22 bullet. Trust me, you don't want to high-five him.
GW: Nature is amazing.
Floyd: Nature should make it easier to find lunch.
GW: So what is next for Floyd?
Floyd: I am looking into politics.
Floyd: Local stuff at first. Law and order.
GW: What's the angle?
Floyd: "Fear the claw." That kind of thing.
GW: I can see it.
Floyd: All in all, it's just another brick in the wall.