Sunday, August 6, 2017

Fifteen culturally insensitive things we should offer North Korea not to nuke us

The United States has an official policy of not negotiating with terrorists or dictators, but we have fudged that quite often under the table. Under the table is also where I used to hide lima beans I didn’t want to eat at dinner, on a little ledge I found which was perfect for the task. Under the table, anything is possible. That is why I offer these…

Fifteen Possibly Inappropriate Things We Should Offer North Korea Not To Nuke Us

1. Hawaii. Hear me out. For vacation we would still have Florida. They could change Hawaii to “East Korea.” The fusion restaurants would be fantastic, and they could rename the Blue Hawaii the “Blue Jong-Un.” Pineapple juice, Curacao, vodka and medals. 

2. Bob Newhart. It could change everything.

3. Kimchi tacos. Ditto.

4. Lacrosse. Who would really miss it?

5. Dennis Rodman. Same.

6. Easy Cheese; squirtable liquid cheese in a can. As I think Chairman Mao said, once the people can squirt their own cheese, anything is possible.

7. Gerrymandering. Ooh, I could see this catching on big, right after democracy.

8. “The Sopranos.” Couldn’t hurt to plant a few seeds in a few noggins. 

9. Watermelons. Do they even have watermelons in North Korea? I would doubt it. I bet some minds could be blown. 

10. The Rule of Law. Sometimes the best gift is the one you didn’t know you needed until you got it.

11. Our country is a great tech innovator, so I do not think it would be too tough to rig up a jet that could just strafe Pyongyang 24/7 with Philly cheesesteaks. Hearts and minds, people. Somebody get to work on this. 

12. The Olympics. Nobody, NOBODY, does pageantry like the subjugated. 

13. The Rams. I know it’s controversial. The Rams are still building their stadium in anticipation of a triumphant return to L.A., but it’s not like we’ve grown attached yet. Maybe then the Raiders and Chargers could share the new stadium, which would be like Sid Vicious and Mr. Rogers being college roomies—endlessly entertaining. Win-win.

14. The 19th Amendment. The right of women to vote. This would confuse them so much!

15. In-N-Out Burger double-doubles. Because we are not animals. 

Experts say North Korea now has a missile which can probably reach U.S. soil. I have a Twitter account which can reach the president. Let’s hope Kim shows as much restraint as I do.

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