Sunday, August 13, 2017

How climate change is making my pants too tight

People are aware oceans will rise because of global warming, but what about the subtler issue of rising humidity, which has noticeably caused my leather belt to shrink uncomfortably in recent months? 

Humidity is the only culprit I can come up with. My friends report increased stress-eating since last fall’s election, but I have too much self-control for that. No. Rising humidity. It’s heck on leather; that’s a known thing. 

For the longest time, for decades, I had the same waist measurement, same belt hole. We have all seen the news reports that five of the hottest years in recorded history occurred in the last dozen years. They do not mention humidity much. You start to wonder if climate scientists have some sort of deal with the leather industry. Because, I’m telling you, in the last nine months, when I sit down I feel like I am wearing a girdle. 

Have you ever noticed how much better a bacon cheeseburger tastes when the weather is humid? Um, I mean, SOMEBODY needs to do that research, because I, for one, have not been on a quest to find the best bacon cheeseburger in L.A. since November 8th. Nooo. My doctor forbids it, no matter the relative humidity. 

I am starting to think maybe belts are old-fashioned, like coastal cities. Like bathroom scales. 

Belts are just another excuse to keep methane-producing cows around. It may be time to release my inner Mork, to go with suspenders of the rainbow variety, or at least orange. Orange is a conversation starter. As an introvert, I can use all the help I can get. 

They make leather suspenders, but with all this humidity, that’s an invitation to a wedgie by midday. (Imagine sending invitations to a wedgie. Main quandary: what font to use.) 

I have never even considered wearing Sansabelt slacks, because that is a slippery slope to white dress shoes and golf jokes. That is like trashing the Paris Accords using polyester and Spandex, the blending of which, as I recall, is expressly forbidden in the Bible. 


Strangely this rising humidity has not affected the tightness of my leather shoes. I guess it is just one of life’s mysteries, like the Electoral College and the current proliferation of Civil War beards. I hope a scientist will write and explain why my pants no longer fit. They fit perfectly fine when I was 30. 

Maybe Al Gore can weigh in. 

. . .


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