Sunday, September 17, 2017

Goat Yoga: Yuppie fad or sign of the apocalypse?

Sometimes civilizations at their peak show warning signs of their impending fall, and I can sum up America’s top warning sign in two words: goat yoga. No, that it is not the name of a death metal band, although I just trademarked the name and if you are a drummer we should talk. 

Goat yoga is just that—yoga with goats. Yoga in the midst of goats. So as to be climbed upon by goats, while striking yoga poses. Why? Because, let’s face it, yoga has always lacked that certain something which I like to call goat poop.

Best anyone can tell, this inviting of Nigerian dwarf goats to climb on you while doing yoga began last summer in…Oregon (you gasp!) It got such publicity that at one point there were more than a thousand people on the waiting list, which raises the obvious question—are these goats from the cast of “Hamilton”? 

They were charging $30 an hour or, (and I am not joking) if paired with a wine tasting, $75. Who needs to actually see the Four Horseman, people? It’s over. 

The news coverage spawned imitators in Arizona, Massachusetts, Texas, New Hampshire. All across the country, anyone with access to lovably cute dwarf goats put up a yoga shingle. 

There have been goat yoga pajama parties. In Houston they dress the goats in cute clothes and diapers, which eliminates the mess but ratchets up the adorable factor to a degree not seen since that “Mister Ed” drag episode.

Many goat yoga Web sites have a “frequently asked questions” page. Below I have mixed actual questions and answers found online with some of my own. See if you can tell the difference.

Q: Do I have to participate in the yoga portion of the class?
A: No. Some people like to just sit on their mat and snuggle goats.

Q: Can men participate in goat yoga?
A: Sure! But why?

Q: How long is the session?
A: The Goat Yoga class is 30 minutes, and that is followed by Goat Happy Hour.

Q: Have we finally answered the age-old question, “Could you, would you, with a goat?”
A: Yes.

I only made up two of those.

I expect the next news I will hear is that the goats have unionized and now insist on being called little goats instead of dwarf goats. And, of course, goat yoga should provide a nice bump in the nation’s employment statistics, if you count goats as service workers. So at least we will face the Apocalypse on top. 

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