Sunday, January 7, 2018

Bitcoin, potcoin, Bleef, or just good ol’ Moolah?

“Bitcoin” got a lot of attention last year, as it was worth 38 times more in December than it was in January, something I like to call “the pumpkin spice effect.” Bitcoin is the most famous example of a “cryptocurrency;” from the Latin “crypto,” meaning “gullible,” and the Latvian “currenso,” meaning “like, we’re talking Gomer Pyle gullible.” The value went up because random people decided it should, which is also as good an explanation of kale’s popularity as I can think of. 

Bitcoin is not the only cryptocurrency, but if cryptocurrency were ketchup, bitcoin would be Heinz. Much like the naming convention in which any political scandal must now end in “gate,” because the ketchup of political scandals was Watergate, many cryptocurrency names end in “coin.” Not all, though. “Omni” and “Ethereum” are two actual virtual currencies, which will also one day be the names of my android butlers. 

See if you can determine which cryptocurrencies below are real or ones I made up.


Bleef. It’s what you use to digitally pay for what’s for dinner.

Potcoin. “In God we trust; all others pay cash” was the title of a book by humorist Jean Shepherd. Potcoin exists to help people buy legal weed. Dave’s not here, man, but the 21st Century is. 

Lisk. Lisk is a dapp creation platform in Javascript. Or a brand of toilet deodorizer. 

Mittcoin. Former governor Romney, a billionaire, backs this currency which is mostly used to tithe to the church or for hair gel. 

Monero. This is either a cryptocurrency or the new Chevy hybrid.

Obitcoin. Posting the story of your loved one’s passing in the newspaper just got easier. 

Dash. A currency involving decentralized governance, private transactions, and, for a digital currency, a remarkable ability to get whites whiter. 

Omitcoin. More discreet even than Swiss banks.

MOOLAH. Mostly used in movie cartoons.

Coinye. This now-defunct currency sported the face of rapper Kanye West, but was abandoned after legal pressure for trademark infringement. For the record, if anyone wants to create Waterscoin, I will not sue. Please note that the value of one Waters will be equivalent to a medium Hawaiian pizza. 

Tarpitcoin. Found only in L.A., this prehistoric system appears to have been less a currency than an extortion scheme undertaken by mammals faced with a sticky situation. For most, it did not end well. 

A currency must, above all, be stable, and the way things are going, I predict that one day ours will consist entirely of Pez dispensers and Beanie Babies. 


No comments:

Post a Comment