Sunday, October 4, 2020

Pumpkin spice is the truth, the way

This time of year pumpkin spice makes its annual resurgence in our culture, much like news reports of Betty White's demise. (She's still fine.) The sheer, sudden pervasiveness of pumpkin spice in everything causes a certain backlash, as with anything popular. Pumpkin spice haters, or "pumpers," as I call them, clearly need a hobby. I mean, besides Deep State rumor-mongering. They need their own political party, with Eeyore as their mascot.

There is nothing wrong with the world that a little pumpkin spice can't cure. I know this is a majority opinion, which is rare for me, so I am basking in it. This time of year, I walk a little taller.  And smell better, thanks to my pumpkin spice aftershave, which has the added benefit of soothing my razor burn. It's like rubbing autumn, and commercialism itself, all over your cheeks. 

Pumpkin spice is really a misnomer, though. What they should call the fragrance is, simply, "spice." Nobody rips open a bag of pumpkin spice marshmallows and exclaims, "Mmmm. Gourdy!" 

Pumpkin is not a smell, it is a porch-based science experiment. The spice smell is from the pie, and the pie is from Thanksgiving, so pumpkin spice, in its October marketing, is really just a subliminal way to get the consumer salivating to SPEND next month.

It's genius.

ACTUAL products which you, like me, should never be able to get enough of:

Pumpkin spice SPAM 

Pumpkin spice Kraft macaroni and cheese

Pumpkin spice Pringles

Pumpkin spice doggie dental treats

Pumpkin spice hummus

Pumpkin spice beard oil

Pumpkin spice latte deodorant!

Pumpkin spice protein powder

Pumpkin spice instant latte for dogs

Pumpkin spice squeezable apple sauce

Pumpkin spice-flavored pumpkin seeds!

Pumpkin spice salsa

Pumpkin spice kale chips

Pumpkin spice dog shampoo

Because nothing is more entertaining than the look in a dog's eyes when you have convinced him that he is pie.

My neighbors a few blocks down have little pumpkins growing as decoration along the front strip of their yard. I am tempted to go after dark and stick a little sign in the top of each one that says "Now with spice!" 

That is how much "in the spirit" I am. 

It is not just a matter of nutmeg, cinnamon and cloves or ginger. Not just about evoking memories of holidays past so we empty our wallets. Pumpkin spice, at its core, is closer to spirituality than commerce. A prayer, almost, of a better way. A path. A path which smells better than we do. 

As father of capitalism Adam Smith famously wrote (I am paraphrasing), "All pumpkin spice is a matter of belief." 

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