I have been waiting 17 years to say this: get me to an IN-N-OUT! I have
been underground sucking on tree roots my whole life. Who's got a car?
Burger me!
Wait, let me introduce myself. I am a cicada. I am
part of that "brood" which is emerging from underground
in North Carolina this month, and I have only a week to live, so make it a
Double-Double!
George has graciously allowed me to write his column this week. I am sure you have questions. Let me hit the highlights.
Yes,
I hatched from an egg in a tree in 1996, dropped to the ground,
burrowed in and lived off tree-root juice for the last 17 years.
Yes, that did pretty much suck.
No, I do not have a stinger and no, I do not eat your crops.
Yes, I do have red bulbous eyes which will haunt your dreams tonight.
Yes, I do have a good sense of humor for someone so short-lived.
No, I cannot play "Popcorn" on my abdominal tymbals.
Yes, spittle bugs and jumping plant lice are my cousins.
Yes, technically, I could still marry them.
Yes, since there are often a million of us cicadas per acre after we hatch, privacy during mating is not an expectation.
No, I am not an exhibitionist, just a realist.
Yes, when I emerge from the ground I am called a "nymph." We all are. Go ahead. Make a crack.
Yes,
we only live about a month after emerging, just long enough to make a
lot of noise, mate and then kick off. Kinda like humans.
Yes, I have a favorite cicada joke: "Cicada, cicahda, tomata, tomahta, let's call the whole...oops, I'm dead already."
Yes, that
is a little dark.
Yes,
male cicadas make the most noise by far, and it's all
mating calls.
That wall of sound you hear is the cicada equivalent of a football
stadium of guys all shouting "Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey, baby" at the
top of their voices. It can be more than 100 decibels, louder than a
jackhammer and, frankly, 10 times as sexy.
How do millions of us know to emerge at the same time after 17 years? We text.
Yes,
I've got about a week to live still. I've been to the French Quarter,
Vegas, the Grand Canyon. Excuse me, I'm getting that burger now.
Hey...bucket list, you know?
. . .