Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Wednesday Wa Pic - Getting Faced

Half off this month for politicians looking to save.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

How climate change is making my pants too tight

People are aware oceans will rise because of global warming, but what about the subtler issue of rising humidity, which has noticeably caused my leather belt to shrink uncomfortably in recent months? 

Humidity is the only culprit I can come up with. My friends report increased stress-eating since last fall’s election, but I have too much self-control for that. No. Rising humidity. It’s heck on leather; that’s a known thing. 

For the longest time, for decades, I had the same waist measurement, same belt hole. We have all seen the news reports that five of the hottest years in recorded history occurred in the last dozen years. They do not mention humidity much. You start to wonder if climate scientists have some sort of deal with the leather industry. Because, I’m telling you, in the last nine months, when I sit down I feel like I am wearing a girdle. 

Have you ever noticed how much better a bacon cheeseburger tastes when the weather is humid? Um, I mean, SOMEBODY needs to do that research, because I, for one, have not been on a quest to find the best bacon cheeseburger in L.A. since November 8th. Nooo. My doctor forbids it, no matter the relative humidity. 

I am starting to think maybe belts are old-fashioned, like coastal cities. Like bathroom scales. 

Belts are just another excuse to keep methane-producing cows around. It may be time to release my inner Mork, to go with suspenders of the rainbow variety, or at least orange. Orange is a conversation starter. As an introvert, I can use all the help I can get. 

They make leather suspenders, but with all this humidity, that’s an invitation to a wedgie by midday. (Imagine sending invitations to a wedgie. Main quandary: what font to use.) 

I have never even considered wearing Sansabelt slacks, because that is a slippery slope to white dress shoes and golf jokes. That is like trashing the Paris Accords using polyester and Spandex, the blending of which, as I recall, is expressly forbidden in the Bible. 

Strangely this rising humidity has not affected the tightness of my leather shoes. I guess it is just one of life’s mysteries, like the Electoral College and the current proliferation of Civil War beards. I hope a scientist will write and explain why my pants no longer fit. They fit perfectly fine when I was 30. 

Maybe Al Gore can weigh in. 

. . .

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Wednesday Wa Pic - Niche Market

Not only do they block UV rays, they live-stream C-SPAN. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Fifteen culturally insensitive things we should offer North Korea not to nuke us

The United States has an official policy of not negotiating with terrorists or dictators, but we have fudged that quite often under the table. Under the table is also where I used to hide lima beans I didn’t want to eat at dinner, on a little ledge I found which was perfect for the task. Under the table, anything is possible. That is why I offer these…

Fifteen Possibly Inappropriate Things We Should Offer North Korea Not To Nuke Us

1. Hawaii. Hear me out. For vacation we would still have Florida. They could change Hawaii to “East Korea.” The fusion restaurants would be fantastic, and they could rename the Blue Hawaii the “Blue Jong-Un.” Pineapple juice, Curacao, vodka and medals. 

2. Bob Newhart. It could change everything.

3. Kimchi tacos. Ditto.

4. Lacrosse. Who would really miss it?

5. Dennis Rodman. Same.

6. Easy Cheese; squirtable liquid cheese in a can. As I think Chairman Mao said, once the people can squirt their own cheese, anything is possible.

7. Gerrymandering. Ooh, I could see this catching on big, right after democracy.

8. “The Sopranos.” Couldn’t hurt to plant a few seeds in a few noggins. 

9. Watermelons. Do they even have watermelons in North Korea? I would doubt it. I bet some minds could be blown. 

10. The Rule of Law. Sometimes the best gift is the one you didn’t know you needed until you got it.

11. Our country is a great tech innovator, so I do not think it would be too tough to rig up a jet that could just strafe Pyongyang 24/7 with Philly cheesesteaks. Hearts and minds, people. Somebody get to work on this. 

12. The Olympics. Nobody, NOBODY, does pageantry like the subjugated. 

13. The Rams. I know it’s controversial. The Rams are still building their stadium in anticipation of a triumphant return to L.A., but it’s not like we’ve grown attached yet. Maybe then the Raiders and Chargers could share the new stadium, which would be like Sid Vicious and Mr. Rogers being college roomies—endlessly entertaining. Win-win.

14. The 19th Amendment. The right of women to vote. This would confuse them so much!

15. In-N-Out Burger double-doubles. Because we are not animals. 

Experts say North Korea now has a missile which can probably reach U.S. soil. I have a Twitter account which can reach the president. Let’s hope Kim shows as much restraint as I do.

. . . 

Sunday, July 30, 2017

New music genres you haven't heard of because you're old

One advantage to having a teenager is they remind you how out of touch you are musically. This is important, because it deflects your attention away from obsessing about the new belt hole you have had to start using. 

If you are like me, you grew up in a time when a music genre explained its effect on you right there in its name. Rock made you rock. Swing made you swing. I defy anybody to tell me what action I should take while listening to a new genre called “vaporwave.” 

It sounds like a brand of public restroom hand dryer. It is, according to the Internet, a style which pays ironic homage to 1980s elevator music and smooth jazz, and employs a “satirical take on consumer capitalism.” 

It also brings in “cyberpunk tropes,” which is something I frankly thought we had eradicated worldwide back in the ‘60’s. Vaporwave is apparently a variant of “chillwave,” which is not to be confused with “coldwave,” itself a French variant of post-punk. 

Are we rocking yet? 

You have probably heard of “house” music, but now there is something called “witch house,” which is “occult-themed dark electronic music.” It takes hip hop riffs, then “chops” and “screws” them until you have something resembling the situation in Congress. 

Witch house also involves “ethereal, indiscernible vocals,” which has personally always been something I try to seek out in the music I don’t listen to. 

My college-aged daughter, home for a few days, wanted me to know about “pirate metal,” which until now I had always thought of as swords. But as she puts it, pirate metal music is like metal, but “way more jolly.” 

“Nerdcore” is a genre of hip hop which uses themes “considered to be of interest to nerds,” like “Star Wars,” role-playing games, science and so on. This then spun off into the less humble  “geeksta rap,” which like gangsta rap involves braggadocio about one’s prowess with computers. 

At this point you will think I am making all this up, because you are a normal human being. I am not.

Sadly, I do not even have time to get into “aquacrunk,” “trip hop” or “dubstazz.” All are actual music genres and not, as you might suspect, unfinished books by Dr. Seuss. 

My wife suggests a new genre herself, “geezerpop,” which I support. It would involve homages to early Donny and Marie overlaid with some Pink Floyd riffs. If I can just get the recording arm of the AARP behind it, we’re golden. 

. . .