Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Wednesday Wa Pic - These days they sell EVERYthing

Back in in the '70's, we just wore our birthday suit and sneakers, and safety be damned! 

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Tropical snake makes waves in a nervous pre-election year

A venomous sea snake, normally found in Central American waters, washed ashore this week in Oxnard, sparking jubilation among people who had been lamenting the end of the ebola scare last year. The yellow-bellied menace was quickly denounced as an illegal immigrant by Donald Trump, but died on the beach before it could be used in campaign ads.

"Yellow-bellied is right," Trump crowed, noting that the sea-faring serpent had not even had the "guts" to risk its life crossing the desert into Texas like any other self-respecting Central American.

The other 87 Republican candidates for president belatedly chimed in, criticizing the snake's clear lack of "gumption," "patriotism" and "legs."

Scientists blamed the growing El Niño weather pattern, which is shifting warmer ocean currents farther north than normal, resulting in "unusual occurrences of political opportunism."

Hillary Clinton, at an "It's Two L's, Not One, You Idiot" rally in Daytona, Florida, denied that the snake was a clever plot to draw attention away from her Private Email Server-gate. Bill Clinton quickly added, "No comment."

The black and yellow snake (whose Latin name, Pelamis platurus, literally means "undecided voter") was spotted on the beach by a surfer. Experts say the last time this species came to Southern Californian shores was three decades ago during a similar El Niño season.

"Clear proof of global warming," said Democratic presidential hopeful Martin O'Malley, while handing out "Martin WHO?" buttons outside a Wawa mini-mart in Huntsville.

Highly venomous and deadly, Pelamis platurus is known as non-aggressive, and will only attack if threatened or forced to choose sides, politically. "El Niño is wreaking havoc not just on nature but on liberal fundraising," said Rip Emoff, a fictitious political strategist.

"Stripey killer snakes are a sign of the End Times, and whenever people think the world is just about over, they tend to donate less to Democrats," he said. "Republicans see a nice bump, though."

By spring, when the expected heavy rains come to Los Angeles, voters' attentions will likely shift from snakes to mudslides, floods and Academy Awards fashions. But the venomous harbinger which appeared this week, foretold in legend ("And lo, a surfer will sight the beast") must not be far from the candidates' thoughts. It will be an election year, and the one who rises to lead us will be the one who remembers that Pelamis platurus is best known for biting you in the butt.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Wednesday Wa Pic - fancy soap edition

For those times when you want to give off that "ready-mixed" aroma.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Pomegranate products breaking new ground in multi-syllables

If ever a trend arises and takes the country by storm, you can be sure I will be right on top of it...just as it fades. So it is with the pomegranate health fad. While I wasn't looking, pomegranates moved from something you put in your mouth to something you rub on yourself faster than you can say "voodoo marketing."

I rub a lot of things on myself; don't get me wrong. I am not a snob. But never smooshed fruit. Mostly, it seems, they market "pom" to moms. Moms will pay a lot to exfoliate. (I have always thought it would be cheaper just to not foliate in the first place, but I am no expert.)

They sell something called "pomegranate cleansing milk." Three great words by themselves, yes, but together they just sound like something the ad department made up. I am also unclear how they came up with pomegranate "body butter." Or "firming cream." It seems as if the dairy industrial complex has been infiltrated.

Pomegranate frozen yogurt, on the other hand, sounds good because you put it in your mouth. Pomegranate lip balm, too, because it's close to your mouth, like nature intended. I do not think nature intended "hand-harvested pomegranate-infused sea salt." Nature is not fancy. Nature came up with the manatee.

But fancy sells. I found one company which sells "100% organic ultra premium and extra-virgin cold-pressed pomegranate seed oil." God forbid they should press it hot. What madman would press it hot, I ask you?!

The company touts that it is rich in Omega-5 "conjugated" fatty acids. I think in marketing class they learn to just plug four-syllable words into random products. I would not be surprised to see pomegranate juice touting its "hydroelectric" properties and silky-smooth "orthography."

This country is so great, we even have anti-oxidant pomegranate dog biscuits. Dogs love the taste of pomegranate, in the sense that dogs like the taste of everything small enough to fit in their mouths. They even sell "washer whiffs"; pomegranate drops you can add to your laundry to make your whole load smell, I don't know, like it just reduced its cholesterol?

The fad is waning, but not nearly fast enough. I fear one morning I will wake up to find they have created a strain of pomegranate-infused kale. My friends, no society can recover from that.

. . .

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Wednesday Wa Pic - What will they blow out next?

I do not know what keratin does, but this doesn't sound pretty.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Two animals icons of viral video fame have a chat

If you use the Internet, you probably saw the now-famous video of a rat intently dragging a slice of pizza down the stairs of a New York subway. The slice is twice as long as he is. The guy who shot the video, admiring the rat's determination, called the rat "the new Statue of Liberty." 

All but forgotten is last summer's viral sensation, Tara, the Hero Cat, who chased away a dog that was attacking a boy. I put Tara and Pizza Rat together via conference call recently to discuss the nature of fame.

Cat: I saved a kid. You dragged a slice across the ground, and yet we are in the same pantheon now.

Rat: Pantheon, huh? That like a sewer or something?

Cat: No, YouTube fame. Public renown. An anecdote for the ages.

Rat: Whatever. Seven million people have watched me drop my dinner. I will never understand humans.

Cat: I think they just thought it was funny to see a rat carrying food larger than himself.

Rat: Hey, I've got big bones.

Cat: I don't doubt it.

Rat: They thought I was funny! They should come back in three weeks and behold the freak show that is the New York City subway at Halloween.

Cat: Actually, people are already selling Pizza Rat costumes. Grey fur and plastic pizza. And for ladies, Sexy Pizza Rat.

Rat: I'm a meme. I have become a freakin' meme. Somewhere I am probably even an animated gif.

Cat: Trust me, it will blow over. I was huge a year ago. Now I can't even get a retweet from Oprah.

Rat: What a thing to get famous for. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but when I was young I wanted to be a busker.

Cat: A street performer? Doing what?

Rat: Three card Monte, but set to hip-hop music.

Cat: Take the pizza fame. Just...take the pizza fame.

Rat: It IS a little embarrassing, though.

Cat: Look, are you getting girls?

Rat: Sure! But the wrong kind. They're all looking for a Pizza Daddy.

Cat: Ah.

Rat: Just once I'd like to meet a girl who isn't hungry.

Cat: This is your 15 minutes of fame. I say you go big. Drag a leg of lamb down the stairs. Drag a Peking duck.

Rat: I'm done dragging. Besides, Scorcese wants to do a biopic on me.

Cat: Dream big, my friend. Dream big.

. . .

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Wednesday Wa Pic - Signage fail by a special contributor

Premium. Because you're worth boneless.

. . .

Special thank you to Heather L. for sending this in.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

A science quiz for the rest of us

I took one of those online science quizzes recently, the kind which make you feel about as smart as peat moss. I missed the question on whether water boils at a lower temperature in Denver compared to L.A. I thought it boils faster. No, it boils lower, which means, in effect, it cooks slower. I will remember that next time I am whipping out my spaghetti while camping in the Rockies. I will bring a good book, I guess. Thanks, science.

So you won't miss out on the fun, here is a short science quiz I wrote just for you.

1. Peat moss is:

a) moss which got trapped in a bog, decomposed, and now all you can see is its tusks sticking out
b) not as prolific as repeat moss
c) about as smart as you
d) a linebacker for the Colts

2. Photosynthesis is:

a) sold in a bundle with Microsoft Office
b) not as "green" as its proponents would have you believe
c) a way for plants to convert sunlight into a viable Ebay business
d) not what it was back before deregulation

3. Vulcanism is:

a) quips which Mr. spock lets fly after a few too many Romulan ales
b) a curable form of circus fandom
c) just to the right of the Tea Party
d) when you've totally had it and you lose your Vulcan temper

4. Electricity is created by:

a) God, while walking briskly in corduroy pants
b) harnessing the power of robo-squirrels
c) any two Judd Apatow characters
d) magnets, a plate of cronuts, and a dream

5. Californium is:

a) an element of the periodic table famous for saying "No waaaaay"
b) the place you wanta be, so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
c) Hills, that is
d) the only ion stable in aqueous solutions, which, while impressive, doesn't exactly pay the rent

6. A vaquita is:

a) a small endangered porpoise
b) Esperanto for "undeclared voter"
c) not the kind of word I would translate in a family paper
d) like a chalupa, but more classy

6. It is important to know science in today's world because:

a) it is an easy word
b) without science, science-deniers would have a whole lot of time on their hands
c) two words: Dippin' Dots
d) otherwise, scientists would just be tists, and hard to employ

The important thing is not whether you can pass a random quiz. It is that you remember science is all around you, so you must be vigilant, and try not to get any on you.

.  .  .