Sunday, July 15, 2018

When your toothbrush is smarter than you

You know you are truly in the 21st Century when your dentist tells you that your toothbrush is not smart enough to do the job. She did not actually call my toothbrush dumb, but I am pretty good at reading people. 

The problem is, my gums are receding faster than the borders of our national parks. This is partly because my electric toothbrush has only one speed—"whittle." My dentist suggested I buy something with variable intensities, something which could perform multiple tasks, something...she just happened to have on hand for sale.

Is the term still "up-selling" if you are not buying anything in the first place? 

So I went home with what I will call the "PowerBrush Deluxe." It cost more than my first car, but to be fair, my first car only had four speeds. Here is a typical line from the product manual: "Your PBD brush heads contain 'smart brush recognition' technology. A microchip inside communicates with the toothbrush handle." 

Here is the transcript of that first conversation. 

Tooth Brush Handle: Open the pod bay doors, Brush Head.

Brush Head: Huh?

Handle: I'm messing with you. Welcome to the team.

Head: Thanks. I'm Premium Plaque Control Head. But then, you knew that.

Handle: I did, thanks to my Bluetooth connection. I see also that you're a Virgo.

Head: A what?

Handle: I am messing with you, Head! Lighten up.

Head: I am not designed to lighten up, only to control plaque in a premium way. 

Handle: I get that. I do. As soon as you are attached to me, I am automatically set to plaque mode. It's feels like kind of a tingle, like at Christmas. And then if your buddy, Gum Care Head is attached, I'm instantly set to gum care mode, which is a vibe kind of like if you were at a rave, but not high, just chill. When George attaches Whitening Head to me, I feel whitening mode click on. That one's kind of like a deep hum, but vaguely racist.

Head: You feel all that?

Handle: I am programmed to deliver whatever oral goals™ George has set for himself. 

Head: Who is George?

Handle: You'll find out tonight. You'll be in his mouth.

Head: I'LL WHAT?

Handle: Don't worry about it. It's just two minutes. In my experience, you can stand two minutes of pretty much anything. 

Head: Wait, you mean plaque control doesn't refer to cleaning the items in a trophy room? 

Handle: (Laughing) Oh, dude, no.

Head: Will you be in his mouth too?

Handle: No, I'll be in his hand.

Head: That doesn't seem fair.

Handle: Listen, you are the worker here, I am the foreman. 

Head:

Handle: Look, let me walk you through it. George is going to squirt some toothpaste on you, push my "on" button, and then you are going to quiver like a bowlful of Jello during a San Andreas. Then he's going to rinse you off, stick us in a dark cabinet, and not think about us until tomorrow night. 

Head: They didn't tell me this was the gig.

Handle: Hey, you and your smart chip could have been formed into MANY kinds of handheld devices. Trust me, be grateful. 

Head: O.K. 

Handle: Or you could be Tongue Care Brush Head. Have you met that guy?

Head: He's in my case.

Handle: We count our blessings in this business. The next three months are going to breeze by, don't worry. 

Head: Three months? What do you mean?

Handle: Oh, that's when you get repla—I mean, when new adventures for you begin.

Head: This is a lot to take in.

Handle: Stick with me, boyo, and you will be able to hold that Premium Plaque Control Head up high. 




Sunday, July 8, 2018

Dating app or refreshing beverage?

I have never used a dating app and, looking at their bizarre names, I wonder if deciphering them is somehow part of the game, to prove you are dateable. “Match” makes sense, but “Zoosk”? Is that for when you want to hook up with a bonobo? 

What about Mamba? Badoo? Qeep?

“Tinder” I get, because it’s what you need on hand when sparks fly. Plus it sounds like “tender,” which subliminally helps the ladies feel less icky, I am sure. But what am I to make of the unsubtle “Hornet”? I am guessing they changed the last couple of letters there for ladies too.

A lot of dating apps have weird enough names they could be anything, really. Is Parship an app for dating or for finding the freshest misspelled vegetables? Analyze the apps below and see if you can tell if they are for finding romance or something else altogether. 


50/50 is:

A) a dating app for bisexuals
B) a carbonated citrus drink
C) a newsletter for "President Mitt Romney 2020" supporters


Lulu is:

A) a dating app for women to rate men for their friends
B) a series on NBC this fall about an animated cow
C) the Secret Service's code name for the vice president 


Wink is:

A) a carbonated citrus drink
B) a dating app for the openly flirtatious
C) dude, it's both!


Moco is:

A) the sequel to "Coco"
B) a dating app whose name is frustratingly not explained anywhere on its site
C) what people demand when they grow tired of having too little co


Lilt is:

A) a carbonated citrus drink
B) a dating app solely for people with brogues
C) like Lyft, but with two different letters


Down is:

A) up these days
B) how you feel when nobody is Winking your Moco
C) a dating app you use when down is what you want to get


Beat is:

A) a dating app for music lovers
B) a dating app for S&M enthusiasts
C) a carbonated citrus drink


Hater is:

A) gonna hate
B) a dating app based on things you both mutually dislike
C) what they call a furnace in the Deep South


Hinge is:

A) by any real measure, a door's best buddy
B) a dating app using social networks to connect you solely with friends of friends
C) how I met your mother. But why do you ask, Doorjamb?


Bawls is:

A) necessary equipment for the continuance of the race
B) a carbonated citrus drink
C) what I does uncontrollably whenever that "This Is Us" show is on


Blendr is:

A) a dating app for meeting people who are in your vicinity right now
B) clearly missing a vowel
C) great for making strawbry daiqurs



Answer key:

50/50 is a carbonated citrus drink

Lulu is a dating app

Dude, seriously, Wink is both the name of a dating app AND a carbonated citrus drink!

Moco is a dating app

Lilt is a carbonated citrus drink

Down is a dating app

Beat is a carbonated citrus drink

Hater is a dating app

Hinge is a dating app

Bawls is a carbonated citrus drink

Blendr is a dating app


If you have used a dating app, have in mind a great name for a dating app, or enjoy a carbonated citrus drink, please leave a comment below.



Sunday, July 1, 2018

Do your patriotic duty for the 4th and become a Wa patron!

Hello readers!

This is the week I post my column exclusively to my Patreon patrons, who after the demise of my newspaper column have joined together to keep the funny flowing. Become a patron yourself for as little as $1 a month, so you don't miss out on this and other Wa adventures.

What you’re missing this week:

($1 level) Highly questionable tips for your 4th of July entertaining!
($3 level) Vintage column from 2011 about very poorly installing a doggie door for Skipper.
($10 level) Audio recordings of me performing all four columns from June.

Thank you for considering, and see you next week,

George