New Christmas Carols for the times we’re living in

To the tune of "Joy To The World"

Boy, what a world! Accord is done

Let’s nuke the whole darn thing

We can't outsmart our certain doom

Aggression is on the wing

North Korea and mass shooting

Why not just wipe the slate of everything

Oy, where's the mirth in hurricanes?

The ice caps melt, oh joy

Now polar bears will take great pains

to eat our girls and boys

they'll eat our girls and boys

and then they will eat some of their favorite toys.

To the tune of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer”

You know Siri, Alexa, and Google Assistant

Then there’s Cortana, her queries persistent...

But do you recall...the most worthless help bot of all?

Snorkoo the hapless help bot had a very buggy code

And when you said “TV on!”

It triggered Snorkoo’s sleep mode

All of the other help bots made a pretty great soufflé

Snorkoo the hapless help bot turned it into egg flambé

Then, although you’d disbelieve, Congress called to say

Snorkoo, though you've no heartbeat, won't you fill this vacant seat?

Then all of Congress loved him, to a man they did agree

Legislating with no heartbeat's not a liability...

To the tune of "Away In A Manger"

He drives a Ford Ranger, pit bull in its bed

He fits many labels, including “skinhead”

You might think a Nazi’s a poor role to play

but he makes side dough as an alt-right DJ

He finds fertile soil as civility breaks

(If you’re a gay couple, good luck buying cakes)

Where this stops I can’t say, but this we can try:

If Gramps was against you, well hell, so am I

To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear"

Said the boss man to the new temp Pam,

“Want to see my wee wee?”

(She was thinking wow, should I scram?)

“Or how ‘bout you flash me?”

Bizarre, bizarre, that’s when Pam took flight

So his jailing she’d expedite

Yes, his jailing she’d expedite

Said the temp Pam now better employed:

“Let us not live in fear”

Emails to her friends she deployed:

“Am I right? This ends here."

So long, so long

she now says with ease

when a boss turns out to be a sleaze

All commend her new expertise

. . .

I, for one, cannot wait for the new year.

Classic literature made better with a 'Star Wars' plot

Every time a new “Star Wars” movie comes out, I am reminded of how much better every story ever written would be if it were about “Star Wars.” Some examples:


The Great Gatsby

Jay Gatsby is not a rich bootlegger, but a quanya smuggler from the planet Corellia. He is hiding out in lavish style until George Wilson (a Mandalorian mercenary) lights him up with his blaster. Best line of the book: “So we beat on, boats against the tide, but still able to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.”

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Finn is a boy who slips the constraints of polite society and his abusive father by going over to the Dark Side. With the Ondoronian slave he freed, Gyym, at his side, he wreaks havoc across the galaxy, yet is beloved. Best line: “You don’t know about me without you have seen a movie called ‘Episode XXV: Return of Aunt Polly.’”


Moby-Dick

The captain of the starship Pequod is obsessed with stalking and killing the giant white aiwha which once ate half his face. His sidekick, Queequeg, is manfully tattooed with images of bandoliers across his chest which are frustratingly useless in actual combat. Best line: “Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike a Blenjeel Sand Worm if it insulted me.”

The Scarlet Letter

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Aldaraanian maiden cheated on her Gungan husband with a Keshiri minister. Upon discovery, she was forced to wear a bright scarlet Aurek on her blouse, which was fortunate for her, because nobody on her planet knew the Aurebesh alphabet, and so, in fact, often complimented her on her fashion sense. Best line: “A pure hand needs no glove to cover it, unless it has been disfigured by unark venom.”

To Kill A Mockingbird

Two young Jedi, having lost their mother to Tusken raiders, are raised by their wise father Attikuk, who teaches them things like when you see a rabid kimogila, you shoot it on sight. The kids fend off an attack by a drunken Chalactan, befriend a gentle Maujasi neighbor, and learn that justice is sometimes as far away as Zonju V is from Cholganna. Best line: "Shoot all the fynocks you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." 


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