Sunday, November 26, 2017

You are a total original...demographic

You may be many things; a gardener, a food dehydrator, a Shar Pei advocate, but that also makes you a demographic. 

I looked in my Facebook settings and discovered that according to FB, I am an “engaged shopper.” I have never bought anything on there, so I have to wonder if my tendency to post kitten photos says something subliminal about my buying habits. 

FB also seems to know I am a parent, because it can see in my photos, I guess, the circles under my eyes. 

FB thinks I am the friend of “people who recently moved”; yes, in that I am an American and that I still draw breath. If you are reading this, and you do not know somebody who recently moved, you are in the “dead, but still able to read” demographic. You are hard to market to, but I bet a Scientologist on his third espresso could get it done. 

Politically, the FB categories are liberal, moderate and conservative, with “very” preceding the first and last of those. (I would love for there to be a “very moderate” category, the icon being a guy with his arms crossed and his chin raised in a resolute pout while wearing a “You both make some very valid points” t-shirt.) 

FB pegs me as “very liberal,” which I feel is an exaggeration, since I have never even “liked” a Lady Gaga video. I know extremists on both ends of the spectrum, and I feel like a centrist in comparison, but FB can’t sell a centrist a sports car, I guess. 

Even though she looks like she stepped out of a poster for Irish tourism, FB thinks my wife is African-American. Perhaps it is because she is “likely to engage in political content.” 

Unlike me, she is labeled a “commuter,” even though I actually drive a little farther to work than she does. Maybe she once “liked” somebody’s post about tires. 

She is also considered to be “close friends of women who have a birthday in the next week.” I love the specificity of that ad category. I imagine others, like “writers who doubt themselves more than twice a minute” and “men over 50 who like the idea of celery but not actual celery.” 

We like to think we are individuals, but we are really just walking demographics, just trying to get along in this crazy world without having to change brands. 

. . .

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Details of the top secret iPhone XX revealed!

Apple recently came out with its iPhone X to much fanfare (Slogan: “Now with 30% more price tag.”) Do not ask them why they went from the iPhone 8 to the 10 without a 9. It’s Apple Math. Start flipping beads on that particular abacus and you will find, upon visiting your closet, that all your shirts have inexplicably turned into black turtlenecks. 

It turns out it was all just misdirection, anyway, to keep us from discovering Apple’s secret project, the iPhone XX. I cannot tell you how I came to possess the plans for this amazing product; if I did, I wouldn’t have to kill you, I’d just have to explain how humor columns work.

iPhone XX (Slogan: “One X short of a very, very different product”)

Manufacturer: Keebler (yes, they made space in the tree)

Compatibility: GSM, IMHO, BFD, AAA & IHOP

Size: .275 cubits x .170 cubits (basically like half a panini)

Weight: .0026 Brads (fractions of Pitts)

Operating system: iOS 24.7.365

CPU: PU is right! C? Light a match

The iPhone XX (Code name: “Samsung Galaxy XX”) is the next generation of smart phone, so secret that Apple has told the employees working on it that they are actually building boats. Smart little boats, which can hold more music than the entire Library of Congress. When the more suspicious employees ask where the rudder goes, they are sent to Google for “reeducation.”

The XX is the first smart phone to have the patented XX port, affectionately known as the “Dos Equis” port. Just plug in the external iTap, twist the spigot and fill your mug with a frosty brew. In the mood for something European? There’s an app for that.

The XX is available in three colors—gold, silver and ‘70’s refrigerator green. This is apparently an inside joke.

Facial recognition, a major element of the iPhone X, takes a step further in the XX with French ID™. Just passionately make out with your XX’s screen and your unique style—you know, the one you learned freshman year—will instantly identify you. 

Wireless charging with the XX is also next-gen, requiring only to be in the presence of a celebrity, even, like, a Kirk Cameron level one, to completely refresh. 

In short, the iPhone XX (Slogan: “Please don’t show this column to Kirk Cameron”) is the most advanced piece of technology you will ever own, assuming, of course, you know somebody.

. . .

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Wednesday Wa Pic - Inspected by WHO?

 Like Groucho always said, the seltzer bottles were just a "gateway" spritzer.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Hot new trends in holiday entertaining you should know about

You have probably heard of the holiday entree the “turducken,” a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. But turduckens are sooo 2008.

This year the trendiest dish is the “bimusteag,” a bison crammed tight with a mustang which itself contains an eagle.

“It does not get any more American than that,” said Mae Dupp, a fictitious chef at the Culinary Arts Institute of Boston. “Sure, it takes a long time to cook, but so did democracy.”

Traditionally a Thanksgiving table will have a centerpiece, perhaps a cornucopia, to symbolize just the freaking shameless truckload of calories you are about to consume. Yawn. Every year looks like every other year.

Why not make this year’s table memorable with something which specifically evokes “2017,” like, say, a small festive handmade statue of your p***y-grabbing boss in handcuffs?

Your fireplace mantel nativity scene is traditional, and that is fine, but updating it a little can also add a certain verve to your home. As the years pass, decorating can get a tad predictable and musty. I have always felt that weaving in the new with the old is very important.

This year, how about modernizing the characters in the crèche; one of the three wise men, perhaps, offering the precious babe not frankincense or myrrh but a box of ammo?

Wreaths have undergone creative transformations in recent years, and often now consist of Christmas ornaments, candy canes, autumn leaves or candied fruit.

This year, the hottest trend uses the traditional, fragrant pine boughs, but interwoven are capsules of Potassium Iodide to quickly grab and save your thyroid gland in case this North Korean nuke thing goes sideways.

Most everybody loves pumpkin pie, but updating such common fare with the times is never easy. Except this year. Thanks to the president’s pardoning of Arizona's famously "toughest" sheriff, 2017's trend-makers have brought us "Pumpkin Arpaio."

The recipe is unchanged from any standard pumpkin pie, with the one addition in a separate bowl of powdered sugar, butter and milk for the frosting, to make it white.

Holiday fads come and go, and following the crowd is not always the best call. Cranberry sauce is cranberry sauce, unless it is a political statement (write me for ideas.) The important thing is to remember that unless we decide to respect each other, as a country, like all the glitziest Christmas trees this year, we’re flocked.

. . .

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Wednesday Wa Pic - Utensil Wars

And then one day I fully realized the power of the chopsticks lobby.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

An October we won’t soon forget...unfortunately

This whole October’s been one for the books
Not much on charm and certainly not looks

It started with a Vegas killing spree
and stopped with Manafort’s “Not guilty” plea

And in between we had the Weinstein mess
an avalanche of “me too’s” to depress

the sunniest of upbeat forward-lookers
and overwhelm those late night talk show bookers

Halperin, Besh, Savino and Toback
So many creeps, you reach for the Prozac

“Alleged” creeps (my bad) yet who can say
if this will be the start of a new day?

Kevin Spacey's reputation's hurting
Chickens home to roost, it's disconcerting

Is there a man with power in this land
who won't be mounting soon some witness stand?

The Dodgers won the Series, that was great!
Enough to make me wish for a Game Eight

Or did they lose, and have to hit the bricks?
(My deadline here was just after Game Six)

Some serious ball was played, that is for sure
But please let’s fix Justin Turner’s coiffeur

Trim the beard too, dude, please take my tip, sir
Your best look is not called “Brooklyn hipster”

The Northern California fires wrought Hell
Like Satan rang some cosmic dinner bell

Almost four dozen dead, dreams at an end
Who needs a gunman when you’ve got the wind?

In Spain the Catalonians took a leap
declaring independence, their odds steep

We’d crack down too if Florida tried to bail
(Well, maybe not, just raise a tall cocktail)

The Chargers and the Rams are less than stunning
Combine their wins and we'd be in the running

The L.A. Kings are having a heyday
(All due respect, I don't know where they play)

The Galaxy's win column's rather tiny
A burg like San Jose's kicking its hiney?!

Bring up the Lakers and you might provoke
upon your snoot a sudden, painful poke

This month took from us the great Tom Petty
He’s swathed, I hope, in cosmic confetti

The Reaper showed Fats Domino the door
Ain’t that a shame, he’ll rock and roll no more

A truck blast in Somalia killed scores
How quick we move on past now-common horrors

Even Halloween, that sweet dress-up day
Could not quite keep our real world pains at bay

By any measure, this month’s truly blown
I only hope we never see its clone

. . .