Sunday, December 17, 2017

Classic literature made better with a 'Star Wars' plot

Every time a new “Star Wars” movie comes out, I am reminded of how much better every story ever written would be if it were about “Star Wars.” Some examples:

The Great Gatsby

Jay Gatsby is not a rich bootlegger, but a quanya smuggler from the planet Corellia. He is hiding out in lavish style until George Wilson (a Mandalorian mercenary) lights him up with his blaster. Best line of the book: “So we beat on, boats against the tide, but still able to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.”

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Finn is a boy who slips the constraints of polite society and his abusive father by going over to the Dark Side. With the Ondoronian slave he freed, Gyym, at his side, he wreaks havoc across the galaxy, yet is beloved. Best line: “You don’t know about me without you have seen a movie called ‘Episode XXV: Return of Aunt Polly.’”


The captain of the starship Pequod is obsessed with stalking and killing the giant white aiwha which once ate half his face. His sidekick, Queequeg, is manfully tattooed with images of bandoliers across his chest which are frustratingly useless in actual combat. Best line: “Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike a Blenjeel Sand Worm if it insulted me.”

The Scarlet Letter

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Aldaraanian maiden cheated on her Gungan husband with a Keshiri minister. Upon discovery, she was forced to wear a bright scarlet Aurek on her blouse, which was fortunate for her, because nobody on her planet knew the Aurebesh alphabet, and so, in fact, often complimented her on her fashion sense. Best line: “A pure hand needs no glove to cover it, unless it has been disfigured by unark venom.”

To Kill A Mockingbird

Two young Jedi, having lost their mother to Tusken raiders, are raised by their wise father Attikuk, who teaches them things like when you see a rabid kimogila, you shoot it on sight. The kids fend off an attack by a drunken Chalactan, befriend a gentle Maujasi neighbor, and learn that justice is sometimes as far away as Zonju V is from Cholganna. Best line: "Shoot all the fynocks you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." 

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