Sunday, January 28, 2018

Some Yelp reviews of things you never see reviewed

Nowadays a lot of people post personal reviews of restaurants and shops on Yelp, but I think those types of places are too limiting. Here are some reviews of less tangible things, written, of course, in the style of a typical Yelp reviewer, who was not ever, shall we say, valedictorian in high school.

The Women’s March

I’ve been to a lot of marches, and this one was just O.K. There were some good signs people carried, like one with a poop emoji. Sooo many pink hats. LMAO. Some people acted kind of mad and others seemed really happy, like almost too happy, like they never get out of the house or something. The best part was we marched down Spring Street and I discovered my new favorite taco truck. I mean the march was O.K. but there weren’t as many hot chicks as at, like, a hunger walk. ★★★

My neighbor’s dog’s manners

I walk my dog every morning, and so does this guy with a chihuahua. He has one of those extendable leashes so you can give your dog a lot of extra line, like he’s a marlin you’re trying to tire out. The chihuahua is too friendly, so the first thing he does is wrap his leash around mine about 150 times, so then I have to make small talk with this guy whose only topic is the Patriots. I’m just glad the dog doesn’t know. ★★

The Eagle Rock

This is a giant slab of granite overlooking the 134 freeway. It looks more like a turtle than an eagle. You know what would be awesome? If they painted the whole thing to look like Darth Vader’s helmet. Or a humongous Pokemon ball. If you’re going to put a rock next to a freeway, it should be more entertaining.

The consistency of oranges

I like the taste of oranges, but I could do without all the chewy pulp. Who has that kind of time? If oranges chewed like bananas then you would really have a great fruit. Seems like one of those guys like Bill Gates should be able to solve this. You know what is a perfect fruit? Papaya. You don’t even have to chew it. You basically look at it and it ends up in your stomach.  Sometimes I wonder what nature was thinking. ★★