Sunday, July 8, 2018

Dating app or refreshing beverage?

I have never used a dating app and, looking at their bizarre names, I wonder if deciphering them is somehow part of the game, to prove you are dateable. “Match” makes sense, but “Zoosk”? Is that for when you want to hook up with a bonobo? 

What about Mamba? Badoo? Qeep?

“Tinder” I get, because it’s what you need on hand when sparks fly. Plus it sounds like “tender,” which subliminally helps the ladies feel less icky, I am sure. But what am I to make of the unsubtle “Hornet”? I am guessing they changed the last couple of letters there for ladies too.

A lot of dating apps have weird enough names they could be anything, really. Is Parship an app for dating or for finding the freshest misspelled vegetables? Analyze the apps below and see if you can tell if they are for finding romance or something else altogether. 

50/50 is:

A) a dating app for bisexuals
B) a carbonated citrus drink
C) a newsletter for "President Mitt Romney 2020" supporters

Lulu is:

A) a dating app for women to rate men for their friends
B) a series on NBC this fall about an animated cow
C) the Secret Service's code name for the vice president 

Wink is:

A) a carbonated citrus drink
B) a dating app for the openly flirtatious
C) dude, it's both!

Moco is:

A) the sequel to "Coco"
B) a dating app whose name is frustratingly not explained anywhere on its site
C) what people demand when they grow tired of having too little co

Lilt is:

A) a carbonated citrus drink
B) a dating app solely for people with brogues
C) like Lyft, but with two different letters

Down is:

A) up these days
B) how you feel when nobody is Winking your Moco
C) a dating app you use when down is what you want to get

Beat is:

A) a dating app for music lovers
B) a dating app for S&M enthusiasts
C) a carbonated citrus drink

Hater is:

A) gonna hate
B) a dating app based on things you both mutually dislike
C) what they call a furnace in the Deep South

Hinge is:

A) by any real measure, a door's best buddy
B) a dating app using social networks to connect you solely with friends of friends
C) how I met your mother. But why do you ask, Doorjamb?

Bawls is:

A) necessary equipment for the continuance of the race
B) a carbonated citrus drink
C) what I does uncontrollably whenever that "This Is Us" show is on

Blendr is:

A) a dating app for meeting people who are in your vicinity right now
B) clearly missing a vowel
C) great for making strawbry daiqurs

Answer key:

50/50 is a carbonated citrus drink

Lulu is a dating app

Dude, seriously, Wink is both the name of a dating app AND a carbonated citrus drink!

Moco is a dating app

Lilt is a carbonated citrus drink

Down is a dating app

Beat is a carbonated citrus drink

Hater is a dating app

Hinge is a dating app

Bawls is a carbonated citrus drink

Blendr is a dating app

If you have used a dating app, have in mind a great name for a dating app, or enjoy a carbonated citrus drink, please leave a comment below.