Sunday, September 9, 2018

Random Thoughts Support Group

Group leader: The Random Thoughts Support Group will come to order. We have a new visitor today. Why don't you introduce yourself, George?

Me: Hi. My name is George and I have random thoughts. 

All in unison: Hi George!

Leader: Just remember, George, our motto is, there are no bad thoughts, only random ones. Why don't you start us off? What have you been thinking about?

Me: Well, you know how in prison they give you nicknames? Like a huge guy will be called "Tiny," or a guy who was a fisherman will be "Cap'n."

Leader: Yes.

Me: When I was younger I did some extra work in movies and TV shows. So I like to think, if I went to prison, they would call me "Hollywood."

Leader: That is not only possible, that's likely. Hope you never find out. Any other random thoughts?

Me: If Shakespeare were alive today and writing, the line would be “To cc or not to cc, that is the question.”

Leader: True!

Me: I thought of a sales slogans for flip flop shoes—“Like being barefoot, except noisier.”

Leader: Yes!

Me: I wonder if the Russian language has a translation for the phrase “your guyses," as in “Let’s go to your guyses' house.” Probably not. In which case, as code, it would be effective to say "Let's store those missiles at your guyses' armory." They'd never figure out where it is!

Leader: That is the definition of random, my friend.

All in unison: Random!

Me: I win so many arguments in my head after actual arguments end, I wish there were a job called Head Debater. 

Leader: Preach!

Me: What do atheists call the Adam's Apple?

Leader: Yeah. What DO they call it?

Me: Some things I have to deal with that my cave man forebears did not:

  • Temporary blindness as I place my reflective sun shade in my car's windshield
  • Bird droppings on my windshield RIGHT where I need to see out 
  • Lost Chapstick
  • Poor GPS apps

Leader: Cave men had it easy, am I right?

All in unison: Easy!

Me: Oh, can I do an anecdote? It's not a random thought, but this actually happened. Maybe you can help me figure out if this guy was putting me on.

Leader: It's irregular, but why not? This really happened?

Me: Yes. Well, I'm a librarian, see. So I’m on the Reference desk today, and a call is forwarded to me. Guy says, “Hi, I need help spelling a word...”

O.K. This happens now and then. People want to know how to spell “altruism” or “fortuitous” or the like, and they call the library. 

“All right, what’s the word?” I say.

“Orgasm,” he says.

And I make the choice, in the nanosecond I have to make it, that I’m NOT going to go for funny, which is so tempting, I’m going to go professional. 

So I put him on hold and get the dictionary. Now, all the girlfriends I’ve ever had, or I think at least half of them, will tell you I don’t need the dictionary for this word. But a librarian, even a smart librarian who can spell, is not allowed to just spell. You have to provide an official source. It’s a librarian ethics thing.

I come back on the phone. “O.K., this is from the American Heritage Dictionary: O-R-G-“

“O-R-G...” he repeats.

“A-S-M,” I say.

“A-S-M?” he asks. 

“Yes,” I say.

“Thank you,” he says, and hangs up, right before I think to say “Good luck!"

Leader: He was putting you on. 

All in unison: Good luck!

Me: This was great. Are these meetings every week?

Leader: No, actually, the Random Thoughts Support Group kinda just meets whenever.