Sunday, August 16, 2015

Six flags over California? That's too scary a ride

The idea was floated last year to split California into six separate states, but it failed to make the ballot because, I think, the sponsor didn't give each state a cool enough name. This same issue probably also explains the short life of the Internet-enhancement device, "iSmell." What I'm saying here is—names matter.

Venture capitalist Tim Draper spearheaded the campaign, saying California is too large to manage effectively (subtext: since it's always Democrats doing the managing.) He spent millions of his own fortune on what detractors called "a solution...that didn't address any of our state's challenges."

Plus, who wants to live in the state of "Jefferson"? That is what Draper wanted to call the northernmost portion of California bordering Oregon. It's a reference to Jefferson sending Lewis and Clark to discover Oregon. Either that or Draper is just one huge fan of "All In The Family" spinoffs.

His other bizarre choice was to call the entire wealthy central coast region "Silicon Valley." This would allow San Francisco to be in Silicon Valley even without the assistance of an astounding earthquake. This would create perhaps the wealthiest state in the country. But the name's not cool. Me, I would just call it "Baywatch." Tourism would soar.

Draper divided the rest of the state into generic North, Central, West and South California. How could he not notice that North California has the greatest county in the entire U.S.? Yolo. There's your state, dude. "YOLO." You Only Live Once. Think of the zip-line franchises. Think of the t-shirt sales.

Central California, the food basket of the nation, has Kings County. Boom, the state of "Kings." That's how you name a state, my brother. The flag could be a head of garlic with a crown on it.

West California does not have any good county names to use, but since it includes L.A., let's just call the whole state "Kanye." The state song could be "Gold Digger."

South California we should just call "Julian." Give out an apple pie with each marriage license and be done with it.

Under Draper's plan, the U.S. would end up with 55 states. The cost of changing flags and maps would bankrupt every school district and state capitol. Worst of all, this would completely blow up Schoolhouse Rock's "Fifty Nifty United States" song.

Mr. Draper, have you no decency, sir?