Are you one of the good ones?

Part of being a good citizen is being active in the political life of your country. Take this short quiz to ascertain if you are one of the good ones. 

1. When you received that noisy, jarring text message last week entitled "Presidential Alert," your first thought was:

a) He just broke 80 on the course at Mar-a-Lago

b) Incoming!

c) Nice hack, Pelosi

d) My restraining order totally works

2. The Senate is:

a) a fine and dignified institution

b) the devil's jockstrap

c) sorely lacking a Starbucks

d) where the nuts come from

3. The three branches of government are:

a) hollow, decaying and corrupt

b) Manny, Moe and Jack

c) two too many for a country this fair-minded

c) executive, business and first class

4. Complete the sentence: "If I were a Senator..."

a) but, then again, no

b) I would work "cloture" in to all of my pick-up lines

c) I'd make sure kindergartens teach the five R's—readin', writin', 'rithmetic and rifle range

d) I would have "regular order" redefined to include anchovies and extra cheese

5. Genuine patriotism can be:

a) frustratingly widely interpreted in a free society

b) used for cover while reloading

c) conveniently found in the flag aisle

d) spotted sometimes, if you blink away the tears

6. All this drama over the Supreme Court nominee:

a) was manufactured by the left/right for political advantage in the midterms

b) seemed like a weird, all-male lost episode of "The Golden Girls"

c) was amazing for alcohol sales

d) guarantees years of sequels

7. The term "libtard" is:

a) straight-up funny and a clever dig

b) something I can't un-see from a friend's Facebook comment

c) without an equally dismissive term for conservatives, because "con-tard" just sounds like an appetizer, and "con-goloid" is politically incorrect

d) a tight-fitting dance garment which lacks a right side

8. Things are bound to get better politically, because we are:

a) at a tipping point

b). otherwise needing an "asteroid reset" impact right about now

c) finally turning off our TVs and reading again

d) Bwahahahahahahahaha

9. If I could amend the Constitution, I would add:

a) a provision saying every time a president tweets, he has to drink

b) Beyoncé on the $20

c) psychological testing for mayors and above

d) giant sums to find a cure for brain freeze

10. You know you are a true American if:

a) you have a flag not only on your house and your truck and your gun rack but on your dog's gun rack

b) they are calling you names

c) you can quote more than one line from "Caddyshack"

d) Norman Rockwell paintings bring a tear to your eye, as does the confounding proliferation of soccer

IF MOST OF YOUR ANSWERS WERE:

a) You are a true American

b) You bleed red, white and blue, but still mostly red

c) You think de Tocqueville was a luxury car from the '70's

d) You are thinking of running for something

Hubbub about 2020 Census question a lot of hot air

There was a lot of hubbub this week about the 2020 Census, because when it comes to American fads, hubbub is the new kale. 

The president suggested asking a person's citizenship status on the Census form. That is certainly a better question than this actual one from the 1990 Census: "Is your dwelling connected to the public sewer?" Not to mention the obvious followup question, "Would you like to donate $1.00 to a political party?"

The citizenship question has, in fact, been part of the Census for decades; it just wasn't in 2010. So the hubbub feels manufactured. Really, adding this question back to the form is just one of about, oh, 178,000 ways the president is trying to roll back Obama's legacy. 

Here's an idea. Let's convince him that Daylight Saving Time was Obama's idea. Please get behind me on this. 

I worked for the Census in 1990, so I am an insider. I recall signing an agreement, however, in which I had to swear never to reveal what I experienced. I am still not sure why, although I suspect it had something to do with the spirit conjuring. (The sewer question above is public knowledge, though.) And let me take this moment to say that the entire Census process was smooth and the federal government was an ideal employer. 

Census questions reveal a lot about their times. In 1810, one question asked if the person was deaf, blind or "idiotic." In 1910, we had the cheery "Of the children a person has mothered, how many are still alive?" 

In 2000, if you randomly received the “long form,” you had to answer a whopping 53 questions, but in 2010 this was pared down to only 10, one of which, strangely enough, was simply “LeBron or Kobe?”

Sure, a lot of people won't return the questionnaire if it means revealing they aren’t citizens. That was true in 1970, and it’s true now. The omission of this question in 2010 did not, I understand, result in a noticeably higher return rate. 

I know from my experience, it is hard to even get citizens to respond. Maybe if they offered to mail respondents a free gun or a Ruth Bader Ginsburg pillow, their choice. 

We feel hinky about giving personal information to the government yet we feel no qualms about posting a picture of ourselves on Facebook in a bunny costume chugging carrot vodka. Maybe they should add one more Census question: Dude, what were you thinking?

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How fast will your country dissolve? Take this quiz!

It is widely understood that our country is at its most divided since, well, since the Patriots’ win last February. Take the quiz below to find out if you know as much as you think you know about your country’s pending descent into idiocracy. 

1. Which divides faster? 

a)      Cancer cells

b)      Party guests discussing taking a knee

c)      Party guests discussing Starbucks holiday cups

d)      A house divided against itself 

2. The word “Kaepernick” refers to: 

a)      Santa’s cousin

b)      A demon sent from the Underworld to dig up our forefathers’ babies and spit on them

c)      Shooting yourself in the foot in order to help stop others from getting shot higher up

d)      A subject more toxic to friendships than the electoral college 

3. Niger is: 

a)      The new Benghazi!

b)      Misspelled

c)      A rare American ally against Islamic militants in Africa

d)      Now hiring! 

4. The recent story that Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia for millions in personal profit strikes me as: 

a)      Unassailable truth

b)      Demonstrably false

c)      A laughably transparent attempt by Canada to attract U.S. immigrants

d)      A good excuse to splurge on that lead-lined Hello Kitty raincoat I’ve had my eye on 

5. Assault weapons should be: 

a)      Banned

b)      Mounted on vehicles, for purely defensive purposes, I swear

c)      Paired with grenades, ideally, for a nice finish

d)      Cheaper 

6. The purported “genocide on white people” in the U.S. is: 

a)      A good start

b)      A comically thin premise for the next “Fifty Shades” book

c)      Totally foreshadowed (see: Crazy Horse v. George Custer, 1876)

d)      A term only being used because “White Lives Matter” was already trademarked 

7. Global warming is: 

a)      Great news for Speedo salesmen

b)      Part of a natural cycle the Earth goes through every 12,000 years, which it calls its “mammal squeegee”

c)      A hoax perpetuated by the Clintons and their ilk, and if you didn’t think there was an ilk, oh, there’s an ilk

d)      Not as bad as that last “Pirates” movie 

8. Complete the sentence. “I think America needs to be...” 

a)      Made great again

b)      More open to Cosby’s side of things

c)      Renamed AMelania

d)      More like a fruitcake—nauseating, impervious, eternal  

If most of your answers were: 

a, You miss George McGovern

b, You watch Fox News even while you  sleep

c, You think Libertarian is a race horse

d, You realize this quiz is as bogus as everything you think you know 

. . .

Viewing total eclipse in Wyoming a profound experience

In Wyoming last Monday morning I stood amongst sweet-smelling sagebrush on a high promontory and watched the sun totally get its hiney handed to it. 

The moon just floated up in there at exactly the right angle and, shoomp, the world around me became dark, cool and so quiet you could almost hear my friend Bob refilling his cup from the boxed wine. 

I am joking, of course. There was whooping. Near-religious spectacles call for whooping. 

I filmed myself, just in case I wept, which I hear people do at a total eclipse, or fell to my knees, or was converted on the spot to the Republican party. It turns out that in the face of once-in-a-lifetime, awe-inspiring views, I tend to look like I am watching a really high altitude documentary about adjustable rate mortgages. 

I did choke up a bit, then became aware I was choking up, then thought “why are you choking up?” Right there is the history of my people. 

Apparently, any given spot on Earth will have a total solar eclipse every 350 years or so. Not patient enough for that kind of wait, my other friend Greg is an eclipse chaser. This was his fifth. A professor of physics, he brought two big telescopes and filmed the thing. 

In contrast, the other two dozen of us mostly sat in camp chairs drinking Arnold Palmers and munching banana bread. Each of us channels his inner scientist in his own way. 

I will never forget the perfect black sphere of the moon silhouetted by the wispy white corona of the sun, but mainly I will remember the way the dark fell. In a span of five seconds day became night, and the primal fear which each of us has inside, going all the way back, was triggered and just as quickly countered. Some whooped, some wowed, some sat slack-jawed, but all, I am sure, felt the same thing—we are tiny. We…are…tiny.

The drive back to the airport, hundreds of miles from the viewing, was a traffic jam of L.A.-on-Thanksgiving-morning proportions, extended the entire day. One little girl in a small town, trying to capitalize on the massive flow of potential customers, paced the sidewalk holding up a sign: “Shave Ice.” 

I wanted to get home, everybody did, but if she had just flipped the sign around, revealing the words, “See you in 350 years,” I would have been her first customer. 

. . .

Kids' toys being rushed to market this election year

To capitalize on this election year, toy companies are rushing new products into production. Here are just a few:

Ben Ghazi. This action figure comes dressed in desert camo and equipped with a rifle, a satchel of sensitive government documents, and a deep, abiding love of conspiracy theories. Optional accessories: private email server, passable buck. (Pesky Congressional subcommittee not included.)

Baby's First Protest Sign. Whether you are raising little Noah or Emma to "fight the power" or teaching them to urge unshaven strangers to "get a job," WeeSpeech Inc. has you covered. All signs are made of BPA-free foam and are chew-resistant. Custom slogans, including most popular emojis, available.

Lil Trumpeter. Doll comes complete with hair styling gel, business suit, and cardboard big city skyline. Lil Trumpeter is fully posable (use your imagination!) and says what's on its mind, thanks to a computer chip in its backside. Optional accessories: private jet, generic-patriotic-slogan ball cap, Lil Devastated Party Chairman figure.

Hungry Hungry Hillary. Game includes several loose marbles, four investigation-launchers, and four lifelike, and I mean crazy lifelike, Hillary heads. The object of the game is to fire the most marbles ("subpoenas") into Hillary's mouth before Bill can eat them. (Please note: This game never has an end.)

Polygraph Pal. Detractors accuse both presidential front-runners of being major liars. Like, world class. We're talking Lance Armstrong territory. Yet they are both monumentally rich and successful. Be like them, kids! Attach the monitor's electrodes to your index finders and learn the tricks of the trade. (Doublespeak phrase book sold separately.)

Heal the Bern! Like the traditional Operation game, but with a twist! Players must use tweezers to remove items from a comically undressed Bernie Sanders. Items include: small donors, random podium sparrows and the weight of an entire young generation.

Zany Rascals Also-Rans Dollhouse. Do you already miss the cavalcade of kooky that was this year's field of hopefuls? Well, now you can enjoy them for years to come. Set Martin O'Malley up with Ted Cruz in the kitchen working together "across the aisle" to make a salad. Pose Chris Christie and Ben Carson on the patio hashing out tax reform over steaks and a brew. ("Buzzkill Jeb" Copter and Malibu Carly Camaro not included.)

This fall's election is a "teachable moment" for our children, who will learn, as we once learned, that our democracy is only worth what we are willing to spend on it.

Six flags over California? That's too scary a ride

The idea was floated last year to split California into six separate states, but it failed to make the ballot because, I think, the sponsor didn't give each state a cool enough name. This same issue probably also explains the short life of the Internet-enhancement device, "iSmell." What I'm saying here is—names matter.

Venture capitalist Tim Draper spearheaded the campaign, saying California is too large to manage effectively (subtext: since it's always Democrats doing the managing.) He spent millions of his own fortune on what detractors called "a solution...that didn't address any of our state's challenges."

Plus, who wants to live in the state of "Jefferson"? That is what Draper wanted to call the northernmost portion of California bordering Oregon. It's a reference to Jefferson sending Lewis and Clark to discover Oregon. Either that or Draper is just one huge fan of "All In The Family" spinoffs.

His other bizarre choice was to call the entire wealthy central coast region "Silicon Valley." This would allow San Francisco to be in Silicon Valley even without the assistance of an astounding earthquake. This would create perhaps the wealthiest state in the country. But the name's not cool. Me, I would just call it "Baywatch." Tourism would soar.

Draper divided the rest of the state into generic North, Central, West and South California. How could he not notice that North California has the greatest county in the entire U.S.? Yolo. There's your state, dude. "YOLO." You Only Live Once. Think of the zip-line franchises. Think of the t-shirt sales.

Central California, the food basket of the nation, has Kings County. Boom, the state of "Kings." That's how you name a state, my brother. The flag could be a head of garlic with a crown on it.

West California does not have any good county names to use, but since it includes L.A., let's just call the whole state "Kanye." The state song could be "Gold Digger."

South California we should just call "Julian." Give out an apple pie with each marriage license and be done with it.

Under Draper's plan, the U.S. would end up with 55 states. The cost of changing flags and maps would bankrupt every school district and state capitol. Worst of all, this would completely blow up Schoolhouse Rock's "Fifty Nifty United States" song.

Mr. Draper, have you no decency, sir?

The lighter side of Obamacare - take this quiz!

On Tuesday, another phase of Obamacare rolls out, so today I will try to cut right through the confusion, in the sincere hope that some will trickle down onto you. Take this short quiz.

"Obamacare" is a term which means:

a)    As God is my witness, I'll never pay for cough syrup again
b)    The department of term-coining clearly didn't survive the sequester
c)    He cares, you pay
d)    They finally ran out of words to end with "gate"


True or False — Politics has no place in health care

a)    True
b)    Bwahahahahaha!


Starting Tuesday:

a)    The Health Insurance Marketplace will make buying coverage easier and more affordable
b)    I will be watching "The Voice" religiously
c)    Whenever a TV pundit says "Health Care Marketplace," you have to drink
d)    Adios, sunscreen—I'll have health care!


I think the biggest misconception about the Affordable Care Act is:

a)    The rumored involvement of the Care Bears
b)    The definition of "affordable"
c)    How we got the North Koreans to pay for it
d)    It all would have worked perfectly if it weren't for those meddling kids!


Under Obamacare, I will finally:

a)    be able to get that arrow removed
b)    be vindicated about that whole anti-Christ thing
c)    learn the difficult but exquisitely pleasurable art of complaining about having a doctor
d)    not be denied care for my pre-existing condition, political cynicism


Before Obamacare, my health care:

a)    was not named after anyone
b)    consisted of a Q-Tip, rubbing alcohol and prayer
c)    was overseen by Doctor Robitussin
d)    provided everything I could ask for except two things—health and care


I do not think government should be in the __________ business.

a)    health care
b)    all-up-in-my
c)    support hosiery
d)    governing


In health care, the concept of "prevention" is:

a)    a scam by the left
b)    just a sneaky way to promote that magazine
c)    a tried and true method of avoiding more serious medical terminology
d)    a way for doctors to charge you without actually curing anything


Since Obamacare was passed, it has faced a lot of opposition because:

a)    the wealthy think that a healthy underclass is an uppity underclass
b)    humans were involved
c)    well, I'll just say it—true Americans are just born healthy
d)    conservatives think it is a bad idea. Plus, they never get credit for coming up with the basic principles of it in 1989


If you have finished this misinformational quiz more angry than light-headed from laughter, it just illustrates how divisive politics can be. I mean health care. I mean politics. Maybe some day they will come up with a pill.

. . .

 Want actual information about Obamacare? Here is a good site with basic info.

Political quiz pokes fun at both sides

It is an election year, and as a great American once said (I think it was either George Washington or Bobby Jindal), you can't have too many political quizzes.
Remember, there are no wrong answers, only wrong beliefs.

Finish the sentence: "When I choose a president, I look for..."

a) a regular Joe I feel like I could have a beer with.
b) a gazillionaire I feel like I could have a beer with.
c) I don't like beer.
d) I would vote for beer.

I would describe the current political climate as:

a) warming, unlike the planet.
b) chilly as Michele Bachmann's breath on a mirror.
c) hot, like that Elizabeth Warren.
d) stormy as Newt Gingrich's Civil War bodice-rippers.

How many delegates attended the Republican National Convention this week?

a) 2,286. Wait, do we count both Latinos?
b) I do not know. I was too busy dreamily mooning over that quintet of hunky manflesh known as The Romney Sons.
c) For the record—Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben and Craig. Woof!
d) I do not know the number, but I have not seen so many white people hopping around since that Devo concert in '81.

Fun fact: "Obama Biden four more years" can be turned into the anagram, "O dear me! Brainy, famous bore!"

Marco Rubio is:

a) the name of a summertime Cuban swimming pool game.
b) a famous fish taco baron.
c) merely a rising star in fish taco circles.
d) no Tagg Romney.

Fun fact: The letters in "Mitt Romney for president" give you the anagram, "Prettify tender moronism."

The biggest difference between Barack and Mitt is:

a) the ability to sink a fadeaway jumper from three-point range.
b) $190 million.
c) Barack has the weirdest name. Barely.
d) the number of African cousins.

What is the greatest problem facing our nation?

a) Four potential years of "magic underpants" jokes by standup comics.
b) Joe Biden continues to be one heartbeat away from the freakin' presidency.
c) Drone strikes are not allowed on members of Congress.
d) The "nanny state" has been extended so far into our lives that every American will soon be required to hire an actual nanny, and that nanny will belong to a nanny union, and her union dues will go into a fund supporting gay marriage for members of the Armed Forces.

There is no answer key. Much like in our democracy, the main thing is participation and, of course, the secret knowledge that you alone are right.

. . .

Best. Campaign. Slogans. Ever.

The history of presidential campaign slogans is a rich one, and by "rich" I mean "pretty funny."

Slogans have ranged from rhyme ("All the way with Adlai") to homage ("All the way with JFK") to double entendre ("All the way with JFK.")

Sometimes, within just four years, a slogan can go from timeless ("I like Ike") to charmless ("My pick is Dick.") At least, mercifully, the latter is no longer repeated.

In the old days, they did not have focus groups to boil the message down to a pithy point. Thus: "Be vigilant and watchful that internal dissensions destroy not your prosperity" was Millard Fillmore's catchphrase in 1856, a slogan which did not, understandably, vault him into power.

Then there was "Henry Clay for his country feels, but Polk would stop our water wheels." In 1844, you apparently did not mess with Americans' water wheels.

Not that brevity was necessarily better. Dewey's slogan in 1948, "Save what's left," did not exactly launch ships.

Harsh slogans are nothing new either: "Better a part-time president than a full-time phony" was one cry. Other winners included "Coolidge or chaos," "Dump the Hump," "In your guts you know he's nuts," "Perhaps Roosevelt is all you deserve," "Nixon and Spiro = zero," "Phooey on Dewey," "Had enough?" and the endearingly lackluster "He's all right."

Herbert Hoover ran on the slogan "You never had it so good." The year? 1928. Four years later, after the Depression had ravaged the country, his reelection motto was "It might have been worse." It might well have been true, too, but truth is generally not the best crowd-rouser.

A slogan is advertising, plain and simple. So "The same currency for the bond-holder and the plow-holder" just comes off as clunky. Not to be out-clunked, Horace Greeley ran on "Universal amnesty and impartial suffrage."

Woo-hoo, right?

Samuel Tilden tried "We demand a rigorous frugality in every department of the government," a sentiment which still plays today, but only in the more Tweetable form, "Cut the fat."

Do you even know what this year's candidates' slogans are? Obama's is "Forward," I guess because "Still hoping, still changing" just did not have that winning ring. Romney's slogan, "Believe in America," is as pleasantly vague as the man himself.

Say what you want about President Nixon, he had many slogans. If I could co-opt one of his from 1968, and yell it from the rooftops on behalf of the voters, believe me, I would: "Bring us together."

. . .

Wednesday Wa Pic - Hosed by politics

I am sick - SICK! - of my hardware store trying to legislate morality.

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© George Waters, The Wa Blog

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