Monday, October 19, 2015

Pomegranate products breaking new ground in multi-syllables

If ever a trend arises and takes the country by storm, you can be sure I will be right on top of it...just as it fades. So it is with the pomegranate health fad. While I wasn't looking, pomegranates moved from something you put in your mouth to something you rub on yourself faster than you can say "voodoo marketing."

I rub a lot of things on myself; don't get me wrong. I am not a snob. But never smooshed fruit. Mostly, it seems, they market "pom" to moms. Moms will pay a lot to exfoliate. (I have always thought it would be cheaper just to not foliate in the first place, but I am no expert.)

They sell something called "pomegranate cleansing milk." Three great words by themselves, yes, but together they just sound like something the ad department made up. I am also unclear how they came up with pomegranate "body butter." Or "firming cream." It seems as if the dairy industrial complex has been infiltrated.

Pomegranate frozen yogurt, on the other hand, sounds good because you put it in your mouth. Pomegranate lip balm, too, because it's close to your mouth, like nature intended. I do not think nature intended "hand-harvested pomegranate-infused sea salt." Nature is not fancy. Nature came up with the manatee.

But fancy sells. I found one company which sells "100% organic ultra premium and extra-virgin cold-pressed pomegranate seed oil." God forbid they should press it hot. What madman would press it hot, I ask you?!

The company touts that it is rich in Omega-5 "conjugated" fatty acids. I think in marketing class they learn to just plug four-syllable words into random products. I would not be surprised to see pomegranate juice touting its "hydroelectric" properties and silky-smooth "orthography."

This country is so great, we even have anti-oxidant pomegranate dog biscuits. Dogs love the taste of pomegranate, in the sense that dogs like the taste of everything small enough to fit in their mouths. They even sell "washer whiffs"; pomegranate drops you can add to your laundry to make your whole load smell, I don't know, like it just reduced its cholesterol?

The fad is waning, but not nearly fast enough. I fear one morning I will wake up to find they have created a strain of pomegranate-infused kale. My friends, no society can recover from that.

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