Sunday, January 10, 2016

2016 in review: the year that was, and is about to be

Every Leap Year like this one, a confluence of time and space occurs to reveal to certain seers like me the year ahead in all its detail. Thus…

2016: in review.

In January, El Niño lived up to its hype, flooding dozens of George Clooney's ex-girlfriends' houses and rehydrating two of the Three Stooges, who immediately began running for the Republican presidential nomination. 

February's torrential rains could not dampen the spirits of L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti, who declared the city a tourist destination "lake" and began moonlighting as a gondolier through Uber.

In March, actress Anne Hathaway gave birth to a daughter she named "Cherub Malamute" after her favorite type of sculpture and dog. Hathaway rebuffed criticism of the name until El Niño rains swept her into a section of Melrose from which nobody ever returns.

April brought relief from the rain in the form of relentless sandstorms off the Mojave. Or, perhaps, the almost unendurable stinging in Angelenos' eyes may just have been caused by a "Huntsman" sequel. 

In May, war broke out between the cities of Alhambra and San Gabriel, both of which insisted on calling themselves "The gateway to the San Gabriel Valley." A compromise was eventually reached, and hereafter San Gabriel will use the slogan, "aperture to the San Gabriel Valley," and Alhambra will use the word "orifice." 

El Niño returned in June with a vengeance, confounding climatologists who resorted to using randomly passing polar bears as flotation.

At the Republican convention in July, Donald Trump won his party's nomination and chose his daughter Ivanka to be his running mate. "Hottest VP ever," he proclaimed, and for once even Democrats could not argue.

In August, Kobe Bryant, recently retired from basketball, became the new commercial spokesman for Jello pudding.

California governor Jerry Brown, after a record-setting 56 inches of rain this year, declared in September that the four-year drought was "at least one-tenth over."

October brought peace in the Middle East.

Having lost the presidential election in November, Hillary Clinton announced she would star in a new TV reboot of "The Golden Girls" with Carly Fiorina, Yoko Ono and, yes, Betty White. 

In December, President-Elect Trump proclaimed that his first act in office would be to repeal Obamacare and replace it with, yes, Betty White.

Now save this. Read it again on December 31st, and it will totally freak you out.