Sunday, May 8, 2016

Reaching senior discount eligibility triggers soul-searching

I am turning 55 this week, and my lust for senior-discounted scrambled eggs cannot be contained. Last week I could not afford the pancakes, the bacon and the eggs, but this week, and for the rest of my life, it's "the works" for me. I might even get the cut-rate toast. You used to have to wait until 65 to live this large, and by then you were usually dead.

Top 10 things I am looking forward to about being a senior:

10) Throwing freshmen in the dumpster again. Hey, I look like a harmless old fogie. Who's going to stop me from going on campus? "I'm a senior. It's what we do," I will yell at the police.

9) Water aerobics. Not doing them, just knowing that girls I went to high school with are out there somewhere doing them.

8) No longer having to dress as sharp. (My wife is laughing.)

7) Finally having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (that the Eagles will never play my birthday party), to change the things I can (suspenders are slimming, right?) and the wisdom to know I will truly never have a shot at Claire Danes.

6) My head can finally spend the energy it is no longer using on growing hair to remember the names of people I know that I know.

5) Twenty-four sweet hours a day to blog about my ailments.

4) Ravages of time will seem less pronounced thanks to failing vision.

3) Compulsive need to keep up with the Joneses, thanks to fixed income, will be downgraded to a vague desire to keep up with the hijinks of that Kelly Ripa on that morning show.

2) With age comes perspective, and 10% off most donuts.

1) The deference and respect our society automatically confers on people of my advanced years, especially on the roadway.

My friends who have already attained senior status seem to be split about accepting discounts. Some ask for them openly, while others, when offered them based on their appearance, are offended.

What the cashier says: "Would you like to take advantage of our 10% senior discount?"

What my friends hear: "Do you realize how few days of life you have left on this Earth?"

The husband of one of my friends accuses her of just wanting him for his 10% discount. I say hey, there are worse reasons for staying together. Truth be told, we humans are, none of us, bargains.