Sunday, May 15, 2016

Kids' toys being rushed to market this election year

To capitalize on this election year, toy companies are rushing new products into production. Here are just a few:

Ben Ghazi. This action figure comes dressed in desert camo and equipped with a rifle, a satchel of sensitive government documents, and a deep, abiding love of conspiracy theories. Optional accessories: private email server, passable buck. (Pesky Congressional subcommittee not included.)

Baby's First Protest Sign. Whether you are raising little Noah or Emma to "fight the power" or teaching them to urge unshaven strangers to "get a job," WeeSpeech Inc. has you covered. All signs are made of BPA-free foam and are chew-resistant. Custom slogans, including most popular emojis, available.

Lil Trumpeter. Doll comes complete with hair styling gel, business suit, and cardboard big city skyline. Lil Trumpeter is fully posable (use your imagination!) and says what's on its mind, thanks to a computer chip in its backside. Optional accessories: private jet, generic-patriotic-slogan ball cap, Lil Devastated Party Chairman figure.

Hungry Hungry Hillary. Game includes several loose marbles, four investigation-launchers, and four lifelike, and I mean crazy lifelike, Hillary heads. The object of the game is to fire the most marbles ("subpoenas") into Hillary's mouth before Bill can eat them. (Please note: This game never has an end.)

Polygraph Pal. Detractors accuse both presidential front-runners of being major liars. Like, world class. We're talking Lance Armstrong territory. Yet they are both monumentally rich and successful. Be like them, kids! Attach the monitor's electrodes to your index finders and learn the tricks of the trade. (Doublespeak phrase book sold separately.)

Heal the Bern! Like the traditional Operation game, but with a twist! Players must use tweezers to remove items from a comically undressed Bernie Sanders. Items include: small donors, random podium sparrows and the weight of an entire young generation.

Zany Rascals Also-Rans Dollhouse. Do you already miss the cavalcade of kooky that was this year's field of hopefuls? Well, now you can enjoy them for years to come. Set Martin O'Malley up with Ted Cruz in the kitchen working together "across the aisle" to make a salad. Pose Chris Christie and Ben Carson on the patio hashing out tax reform over steaks and a brew. ("Buzzkill Jeb" Copter and Malibu Carly Camaro not included.)

This fall's election is a "teachable moment" for our children, who will learn, as we once learned, that our democracy is only worth what we are willing to spend on it.