New Christmas Carols For These Times

There was a time when having a dark sense of humor just made you seem negative, and a little weird. I think a dark sense of humor has, in recent years, become a necessary coping superpower. 


"Zuckerberg Is Doubling Down" 

(To the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

You better log out, you better comply

better bail out, I'm telling you why—

Zuckerberg is not backing down...

He's checking your history and it's nice

to sell it to Amazon for a price

Zuckerberg is doubling down

You might think that it's creepin'

Your IP address to take

He knows better than hackers could

all your pics of that beefcake

Oh! You could do without that Jeff Bezos guy

He and the Zuck don't need private eyes

Your priv'cy is gettin' shook down

"Awake In The White House"

(To the tune of "Away In A Manger")

Awake in the White House

No need to feel dread

The president (Jesus!)

won't worry his head

The stars from the movies

Can say what they say

The president (Jesus!!)

Is tweeting away

The blowhard is blowing

No spell-check he makes

As belly laughs seize us

He airs bellyaches

I love it when (Jesus!!!)

Crap flows from this guy

Please let me preside

When they declassify

Be near me, if (Jesus!!!!)

They let this putz stay

I'll hold forth forever

With wry play-by-play

Bless all the brown children

Encaged in despair

But don't judge me, Heaven,

I sent Trumpy Bears

"Frosty the Puddle

(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the Puddle

Melted down into a hole

Thanks to climate change, well now we all know

You can blame a lot on coal

Frosty the Puddle

Couldn't keep that heat at bay

So then Frosty cried when

He realized

He'd be mist by Christmas Day

His melting down was graphic

As his carrot hit the ground

We knew that he was almost dead

By the awful gurgling sound

Frosty the Puddle

Was as wet as he could be

And his dank bouquet

Kept the kids away

Plus his fate they could foresee

Frosty the Puddle

Tried to make his thoughts array

But his smarts had run

Like the setting sun

And his limbs had gone astray

So vast was the spillage

Drinking up, a thirsty band

Of some birds, a bear and a little hare

Then kersplash! a moving van

He looked around as the sun beat down

On that forlorn blacktop

Then a basset hound jumped into him—

a perfect belly flop!

Frosty the Puddle

Saw his doom as plain as day

He'd have waved goodbye

But his wet was dry

Raise a glass to him today

New Christmas Carols for the times we’re living in

To the tune of "Joy To The World"

Boy, what a world! Accord is done

Let’s nuke the whole darn thing

We can't outsmart our certain doom

Aggression is on the wing

North Korea and mass shooting

Why not just wipe the slate of everything

Oy, where's the mirth in hurricanes?

The ice caps melt, oh joy

Now polar bears will take great pains

to eat our girls and boys

they'll eat our girls and boys

and then they will eat some of their favorite toys.

To the tune of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer”

You know Siri, Alexa, and Google Assistant

Then there’s Cortana, her queries persistent...

But do you recall...the most worthless help bot of all?

Snorkoo the hapless help bot had a very buggy code

And when you said “TV on!”

It triggered Snorkoo’s sleep mode

All of the other help bots made a pretty great soufflé

Snorkoo the hapless help bot turned it into egg flambé

Then, although you’d disbelieve, Congress called to say

Snorkoo, though you've no heartbeat, won't you fill this vacant seat?

Then all of Congress loved him, to a man they did agree

Legislating with no heartbeat's not a liability...

To the tune of "Away In A Manger"

He drives a Ford Ranger, pit bull in its bed

He fits many labels, including “skinhead”

You might think a Nazi’s a poor role to play

but he makes side dough as an alt-right DJ

He finds fertile soil as civility breaks

(If you’re a gay couple, good luck buying cakes)

Where this stops I can’t say, but this we can try:

If Gramps was against you, well hell, so am I

To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear"

Said the boss man to the new temp Pam,

“Want to see my wee wee?”

(She was thinking wow, should I scram?)

“Or how ‘bout you flash me?”

Bizarre, bizarre, that’s when Pam took flight

So his jailing she’d expedite

Yes, his jailing she’d expedite

Said the temp Pam now better employed:

“Let us not live in fear”

Emails to her friends she deployed:

“Am I right? This ends here."

So long, so long

she now says with ease

when a boss turns out to be a sleaze

All commend her new expertise

. . .

I, for one, cannot wait for the new year.