Monday, December 24, 2018

New Christmas Carols For These Times

There was a time when having a dark sense of humor just made you seem negative, and a little weird. I think a dark sense of humor has, in recent years, become a necessary coping superpower. 

"Zuckerberg Is Doubling Down" 

(To the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

You better log out, you better comply
better bail out, I'm telling you why—
Zuckerberg is not backing down...

He's checking your history and it's nice
to sell it to Amazon for a price
Zuckerberg is doubling down

You might think that it's creepin'
Your IP address to take
He knows better than hackers could
all your pics of that beefcake

Oh! You could do without that Jeff Bezos guy
He and the Zuck don't need private eyes
Your priv'cy is gettin' shook down

"Awake In The White House"

(To the tune of "Away In A Manger")

Awake in the White House
No need to feel dread
The president (Jesus!)
won't worry his head

The stars from the movies
Can say what they say
The president (Jesus!!)
Is tweeting away

The blowhard is blowing
No spell-check he makes
As belly laughs seize us
He airs bellyaches

I love it when (Jesus!!!)
Crap flows from this guy
Please let me preside
When they declassify

Be near me, if (Jesus!!!!)
They let this putz stay
I'll hold forth forever
With wry play-by-play

Bless all the brown children
Encaged in despair
But don't judge me, Heaven,
I sent Trumpy Bears

"Frosty the Puddle
(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the Puddle
Melted down into a hole
Thanks to climate change, well now we all know
You can blame a lot on coal

Frosty the Puddle
Couldn't keep that heat at bay
So then Frosty cried when
He realized
He'd be mist by Christmas Day

His melting down was graphic
As his carrot hit the ground
We knew that he was almost dead
By the awful gurgling sound

Frosty the Puddle
Was as wet as he could be
And his dank bouquet
Kept the kids away
Plus his fate they could foresee

Frosty the Puddle
Tried to make his thoughts array
But his smarts had run
Like the setting sun
And his limbs had gone astray

So vast was the spillage
Drinking up, a thirsty band
Of some birds, a bear and a little hare
Then kersplash! a moving van

He looked around as the sun beat down
On that forlorn blacktop
Then a basset hound jumped into him—
a perfect belly flop!

Frosty the Puddle
Saw his doom as plain as day
He'd have waved goodbye
But his wet was dry
Raise a glass to him today