Funny text auto-correct errors I would like to see

George Waters column for Sunday, January 12, 2014:


We live in an age when text auto-correct can deftly alter your relating of a supermarket parking lot mishap into something altogether more entertaining, like "My fart slipped away and dented a convertible." What a difference one letter makes.

Imagine the alternate spin the ad campaign would have had if auto-correct had turned it into "Virginia is for rovers." It might have worked even better.

Other notable ad slogans would be forever altered:

"Can you heal me now?" Hey, phones can do almost everything else.

I like to imagine Clara Peller crying out, "Where's the beer?"

"Sometimes you feel like a nun, sometimes you don't."

"Ivory soap: 99 and 44/100% puke."

"Just ho it."

"With a name like Smuckers, it has to be goop."

"Volkswagen: think smell."

"Put a tiger in your bank." (And watch ATM use skyrocket.)

"Wal-mart. Save money. Live bitter."

Thanks to auto-correct, famous sayings would take on equally dubious new meanings.

"Absence makes the heart grow yonder."

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bust."

"Blood is thicker than tater."

"He suffered death by a thousand cats."

"Kodak. Share moments, share lice."

"Don't bite the hand that feels you."

"A rose by any otter name would smell as sweet." (Flippy? Finboy? Butch?)

"The early bird watches the worm." (He is too sleepy. He is my kind of bird.)

"Good things come to those who wail."

"Curiosity killed the cad."

"He is a jack of all trades and a master of nope."

"Give them an inch and they'll take a mime."

"A rind is a terrible thing to waste."

"It's a land of milk and hiney."

"His barf is worse than his bite."

I sense a whole dog sub-theme emerging here.

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of curs."

"It's as easy as falling off a dog."

"Every dog has his dad."

Some do not make any sense, but are just fun.

"A chain is only as strong as its weakest oink."

"Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a whale." ("Ice Age 5 anybody"?)

Technology keeps advancing to improve our convenience. Unfortunately, it rarely asks us for final approval before we hit "Send." Humor is often the result. At least it is what I was going for today. Sorry if some of them were painful, but you know what they say: "The end justifies the moans."


george@georgewaters.net