Me: "We just need you to restart our land line phone service."
Customer Service: "When you say 'land line,' sir, do you mean 'analog?'"
Me: "Yes. We don't want voice-over-IP service."
CS: "And when you say 'yes' do you mean 'yes?'"
CS: "One moment, sir. I am going to transfer you to someone who can cost you an hour you will never get back, I mean, who can set up installation."
I held for 20 minutes and was disconnected. I called back.
Me: "I'd like to reinstate my analog phone service. It got turned off by mistake."
CS: "I am sorry for your inconvenience, sir, and let me assure you that I will do my best to solve your problem. May I have the security code associated with this account?"
Me: "1776; it's symbolic of the freedom I hope to gain from this phone hell some day before my children are old enough to procreate."
CS: "Very good, sir. I see an order for high speed Internet service."
Me: "Yes, how about one to start up my analog phone service."
CS: "By 'analog,' sir, do you mean your land line?"
CS: "I will transfer you to someone who can set up that installation."
Me: "Is his name Doctor Who? Because I feel like I'm in a time warp."
CS: "Very good, sir." (Hold music begins, while an invisible Pac-Man eats 30 minutes I will never see again.)
CS: "Hello, my name is Cynthia. How may I provide you with exceptional service?"
Me: "That ship has sailed, Cindy. But I wonder if you could schedule the installation of phone service to my house."
CS: "Certainly, sir. But first, for security purposes, can you tell me the name of your favorite restaurant?"
Me: "Porky's Ham Shack."
CS: "That's not what I have on file, sir."
Me: "I'm just sayin'. My wife set this up, so it's probably La Boheme."
CS: "Correct. Now, do you want everything to stay the same as on your prior account?"
Me: "By 'the same' do you mean 'the same?'"
Me: "Then yes."
CS: "All right, the installation is set for September 14th."
Me: "That's in a week!"
CS: "Yes, it generally takes 7-10 days."
You may wonder why I want a land line at all. I may wonder that too.
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