Are you one of the good ones?

Part of being a good citizen is being active in the political life of your country. Take this short quiz to ascertain if you are one of the good ones. 

1. When you received that noisy, jarring text message last week entitled "Presidential Alert," your first thought was:

a) He just broke 80 on the course at Mar-a-Lago

b) Incoming!

c) Nice hack, Pelosi

d) My restraining order totally works

2. The Senate is:

a) a fine and dignified institution

b) the devil's jockstrap

c) sorely lacking a Starbucks

d) where the nuts come from

3. The three branches of government are:

a) hollow, decaying and corrupt

b) Manny, Moe and Jack

c) two too many for a country this fair-minded

c) executive, business and first class

4. Complete the sentence: "If I were a Senator..."

a) but, then again, no

b) I would work "cloture" in to all of my pick-up lines

c) I'd make sure kindergartens teach the five R's—readin', writin', 'rithmetic and rifle range

d) I would have "regular order" redefined to include anchovies and extra cheese

5. Genuine patriotism can be:

a) frustratingly widely interpreted in a free society

b) used for cover while reloading

c) conveniently found in the flag aisle

d) spotted sometimes, if you blink away the tears

6. All this drama over the Supreme Court nominee:

a) was manufactured by the left/right for political advantage in the midterms

b) seemed like a weird, all-male lost episode of "The Golden Girls"

c) was amazing for alcohol sales

d) guarantees years of sequels

7. The term "libtard" is:

a) straight-up funny and a clever dig

b) something I can't un-see from a friend's Facebook comment

c) without an equally dismissive term for conservatives, because "con-tard" just sounds like an appetizer, and "con-goloid" is politically incorrect

d) a tight-fitting dance garment which lacks a right side

8. Things are bound to get better politically, because we are:

a) at a tipping point

b). otherwise needing an "asteroid reset" impact right about now

c) finally turning off our TVs and reading again

d) Bwahahahahahahahaha

9. If I could amend the Constitution, I would add:

a) a provision saying every time a president tweets, he has to drink

b) Beyoncé on the $20

c) psychological testing for mayors and above

d) giant sums to find a cure for brain freeze

10. You know you are a true American if:

a) you have a flag not only on your house and your truck and your gun rack but on your dog's gun rack

b) they are calling you names

c) you can quote more than one line from "Caddyshack"

d) Norman Rockwell paintings bring a tear to your eye, as does the confounding proliferation of soccer

IF MOST OF YOUR ANSWERS WERE:

a) You are a true American

b) You bleed red, white and blue, but still mostly red

c) You think de Tocqueville was a luxury car from the '70's

d) You are thinking of running for something

How fast will your country dissolve? Take this quiz!

It is widely understood that our country is at its most divided since, well, since the Patriots’ win last February. Take the quiz below to find out if you know as much as you think you know about your country’s pending descent into idiocracy. 

1. Which divides faster? 

a)      Cancer cells

b)      Party guests discussing taking a knee

c)      Party guests discussing Starbucks holiday cups

d)      A house divided against itself 

2. The word “Kaepernick” refers to: 

a)      Santa’s cousin

b)      A demon sent from the Underworld to dig up our forefathers’ babies and spit on them

c)      Shooting yourself in the foot in order to help stop others from getting shot higher up

d)      A subject more toxic to friendships than the electoral college 

3. Niger is: 

a)      The new Benghazi!

b)      Misspelled

c)      A rare American ally against Islamic militants in Africa

d)      Now hiring! 

4. The recent story that Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia for millions in personal profit strikes me as: 

a)      Unassailable truth

b)      Demonstrably false

c)      A laughably transparent attempt by Canada to attract U.S. immigrants

d)      A good excuse to splurge on that lead-lined Hello Kitty raincoat I’ve had my eye on 

5. Assault weapons should be: 

a)      Banned

b)      Mounted on vehicles, for purely defensive purposes, I swear

c)      Paired with grenades, ideally, for a nice finish

d)      Cheaper 

6. The purported “genocide on white people” in the U.S. is: 

a)      A good start

b)      A comically thin premise for the next “Fifty Shades” book

c)      Totally foreshadowed (see: Crazy Horse v. George Custer, 1876)

d)      A term only being used because “White Lives Matter” was already trademarked 

7. Global warming is: 

a)      Great news for Speedo salesmen

b)      Part of a natural cycle the Earth goes through every 12,000 years, which it calls its “mammal squeegee”

c)      A hoax perpetuated by the Clintons and their ilk, and if you didn’t think there was an ilk, oh, there’s an ilk

d)      Not as bad as that last “Pirates” movie 

8. Complete the sentence. “I think America needs to be...” 

a)      Made great again

b)      More open to Cosby’s side of things

c)      Renamed AMelania

d)      More like a fruitcake—nauseating, impervious, eternal  

If most of your answers were: 

a, You miss George McGovern

b, You watch Fox News even while you  sleep

c, You think Libertarian is a race horse

d, You realize this quiz is as bogus as everything you think you know 

. . .

A science quiz for the rest of us

I took one of those online science quizzes recently, the kind which make you feel about as smart as peat moss. I missed the question on whether water boils at a lower temperature in Denver compared to L.A. I thought it boils faster. No, it boils lower, which means, in effect, it cooks slower. I will remember that next time I am whipping out my spaghetti while camping in the Rockies. I will bring a good book, I guess. Thanks, science.

So you won't miss out on the fun, here is a short science quiz I wrote just for you.

1. Peat moss is:

a) moss which got trapped in a bog, decomposed, and now all you can see is its tusks sticking out
b) not as prolific as repeat moss
c) about as smart as you
d) a linebacker for the Colts

2. Photosynthesis is:

a) sold in a bundle with Microsoft Office
b) not as "green" as its proponents would have you believe
c) a way for plants to convert sunlight into a viable Ebay business
d) not what it was back before deregulation

3. Vulcanism is:

a) quips which Mr. spock lets fly after a few too many Romulan ales
b) a curable form of circus fandom
c) just to the right of the Tea Party
d) when you've totally had it and you lose your Vulcan temper

4. Electricity is created by:

a) God, while walking briskly in corduroy pants
b) harnessing the power of robo-squirrels
c) any two Judd Apatow characters
d) magnets, a plate of cronuts, and a dream

5. Californium is:

a) an element of the periodic table famous for saying "No waaaaay"
b) the place you wanta be, so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
c) Hills, that is
d) the only ion stable in aqueous solutions, which, while impressive, doesn't exactly pay the rent

6. A vaquita is:

a) a small endangered porpoise
b) Esperanto for "undeclared voter"
c) not the kind of word I would translate in a family paper
d) like a chalupa, but more classy

6. It is important to know science in today's world because:

a) it is an easy word
b) without science, science-deniers would have a whole lot of time on their hands
c) two words: Dippin' Dots
d) otherwise, scientists would just be tists, and hard to employ

The important thing is not whether you can pass a random quiz. It is that you remember science is all around you, so you must be vigilant, and try not to get any on you.

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