Are you one of the good ones?

Part of being a good citizen is being active in the political life of your country. Take this short quiz to ascertain if you are one of the good ones. 

1. When you received that noisy, jarring text message last week entitled "Presidential Alert," your first thought was:

a) He just broke 80 on the course at Mar-a-Lago

b) Incoming!

c) Nice hack, Pelosi

d) My restraining order totally works

2. The Senate is:

a) a fine and dignified institution

b) the devil's jockstrap

c) sorely lacking a Starbucks

d) where the nuts come from

3. The three branches of government are:

a) hollow, decaying and corrupt

b) Manny, Moe and Jack

c) two too many for a country this fair-minded

c) executive, business and first class

4. Complete the sentence: "If I were a Senator..."

a) but, then again, no

b) I would work "cloture" in to all of my pick-up lines

c) I'd make sure kindergartens teach the five R's—readin', writin', 'rithmetic and rifle range

d) I would have "regular order" redefined to include anchovies and extra cheese

5. Genuine patriotism can be:

a) frustratingly widely interpreted in a free society

b) used for cover while reloading

c) conveniently found in the flag aisle

d) spotted sometimes, if you blink away the tears

6. All this drama over the Supreme Court nominee:

a) was manufactured by the left/right for political advantage in the midterms

b) seemed like a weird, all-male lost episode of "The Golden Girls"

c) was amazing for alcohol sales

d) guarantees years of sequels

7. The term "libtard" is:

a) straight-up funny and a clever dig

b) something I can't un-see from a friend's Facebook comment

c) without an equally dismissive term for conservatives, because "con-tard" just sounds like an appetizer, and "con-goloid" is politically incorrect

d) a tight-fitting dance garment which lacks a right side

8. Things are bound to get better politically, because we are:

a) at a tipping point

b). otherwise needing an "asteroid reset" impact right about now

c) finally turning off our TVs and reading again

d) Bwahahahahahahahaha

9. If I could amend the Constitution, I would add:

a) a provision saying every time a president tweets, he has to drink

b) Beyoncé on the $20

c) psychological testing for mayors and above

d) giant sums to find a cure for brain freeze

10. You know you are a true American if:

a) you have a flag not only on your house and your truck and your gun rack but on your dog's gun rack

b) they are calling you names

c) you can quote more than one line from "Caddyshack"

d) Norman Rockwell paintings bring a tear to your eye, as does the confounding proliferation of soccer

IF MOST OF YOUR ANSWERS WERE:

a) You are a true American

b) You bleed red, white and blue, but still mostly red

c) You think de Tocqueville was a luxury car from the '70's

d) You are thinking of running for something

When the candidates seem just as unreal as the propositions

It's primary election day, so here is my unofficial ballot guide which you can rip out and take with you to the polls, especially if you really just don't know what is going on.

• Proposition 123. This prop would set aside funds for the prosecution of any future writers or directors who decide to remake the classic '70's thriller, "The Taking of Pelham 123." Two words: Walter. Matthau. Some things are perfect. Irises. Leopards. This movie. Show it to your children. Do not remake it. O.K., too late, but do not RE-remake it. California has spoken.


• Proposition 54. Same concept, only regarding "Car 54, Where Are You?"


• Proposition THE. This would safeguard the use of the word "the" when discussing freeway numbers, as a form of California heritage. Anyone who has hosted visitors from the East Coast can tell you they will sometimes casually disrespect this rich historical tradition. They might say something like, "I took 101 to 5 to 405 and had lunch in Westminster." Prop 12 would fund the legal expenses of Californians who, understandably, lose it and pop these backward outsiders right in the kisser.                      


• Proposition THC. As you well know (because if you are reading a newspaper, you were born in the 20th Century), THC is the primary mind-altering ingredient in marijuana. This proposition would not only legalize weed, it would make its use mandatory for all California legislators before each session begins. You know, right after the prayer. Let's see a fat lobbyist try to make a cozy deal with a totally blissed out lawmaker. Unless they come bearing Cheetos. Oh crap.

There are 34 candidates for U.S. Senate, many of whose biographies are as rich as the propositions listed above. Unlike those, however, these are real:

The Green Party candidate wants to legalize pot "for all its uses," including for "gasoline" and "hydro & nuclear energy."

One Democrat seeks to restore Americans' "freedom to think one's own thoughts free from...Voice To Skull (V2K) mind control technology."

Another candidate states that her education and expertise clearly qualify her for the "prolific occupation" of senator.

One young man has, as his personal statement, simply: "01100101."

Another woman's statement laments the "challenge 10 giant chaos in economy." I assume that, inherently implied, is her willingness to fix that, ideally without using words.

All of these people paid $3480 to be on the ballot. Money is speech, after all. But money is not always entirely lucid.

Kids' toys being rushed to market this election year

To capitalize on this election year, toy companies are rushing new products into production. Here are just a few:

Ben Ghazi. This action figure comes dressed in desert camo and equipped with a rifle, a satchel of sensitive government documents, and a deep, abiding love of conspiracy theories. Optional accessories: private email server, passable buck. (Pesky Congressional subcommittee not included.)

Baby's First Protest Sign. Whether you are raising little Noah or Emma to "fight the power" or teaching them to urge unshaven strangers to "get a job," WeeSpeech Inc. has you covered. All signs are made of BPA-free foam and are chew-resistant. Custom slogans, including most popular emojis, available.

Lil Trumpeter. Doll comes complete with hair styling gel, business suit, and cardboard big city skyline. Lil Trumpeter is fully posable (use your imagination!) and says what's on its mind, thanks to a computer chip in its backside. Optional accessories: private jet, generic-patriotic-slogan ball cap, Lil Devastated Party Chairman figure.

Hungry Hungry Hillary. Game includes several loose marbles, four investigation-launchers, and four lifelike, and I mean crazy lifelike, Hillary heads. The object of the game is to fire the most marbles ("subpoenas") into Hillary's mouth before Bill can eat them. (Please note: This game never has an end.)

Polygraph Pal. Detractors accuse both presidential front-runners of being major liars. Like, world class. We're talking Lance Armstrong territory. Yet they are both monumentally rich and successful. Be like them, kids! Attach the monitor's electrodes to your index finders and learn the tricks of the trade. (Doublespeak phrase book sold separately.)

Heal the Bern! Like the traditional Operation game, but with a twist! Players must use tweezers to remove items from a comically undressed Bernie Sanders. Items include: small donors, random podium sparrows and the weight of an entire young generation.

Zany Rascals Also-Rans Dollhouse. Do you already miss the cavalcade of kooky that was this year's field of hopefuls? Well, now you can enjoy them for years to come. Set Martin O'Malley up with Ted Cruz in the kitchen working together "across the aisle" to make a salad. Pose Chris Christie and Ben Carson on the patio hashing out tax reform over steaks and a brew. ("Buzzkill Jeb" Copter and Malibu Carly Camaro not included.)

This fall's election is a "teachable moment" for our children, who will learn, as we once learned, that our democracy is only worth what we are willing to spend on it.