To capitalize on this election year, toy companies are rushing new products into production. Here are just a few:
Ben Ghazi.
This action figure comes dressed in desert camo and equipped with a
rifle, a satchel of sensitive government documents, and a deep, abiding
love of conspiracy theories. Optional accessories: private email server,
passable buck. (Pesky Congressional subcommittee not included.)
Baby's First Protest Sign.
Whether you are raising little Noah or Emma to "fight the power" or
teaching them to urge unshaven strangers to "get a job," WeeSpeech Inc.
has you covered. All signs are made of BPA-free foam and are
chew-resistant. Custom slogans, including most popular emojis,
available.
Lil Trumpeter. Doll
comes complete with hair styling gel, business suit, and cardboard big
city skyline. Lil Trumpeter is fully posable (use your imagination!) and
says what's on its mind, thanks to a computer chip in its backside.
Optional accessories: private jet, generic-patriotic-slogan ball cap,
Lil Devastated Party Chairman figure.
Hungry Hungry Hillary.
Game includes several loose marbles, four investigation-launchers, and
four lifelike, and I mean crazy lifelike, Hillary heads. The object of
the game is to fire the most marbles ("subpoenas") into Hillary's mouth
before Bill can eat them. (Please note: This game never has an end.)
Polygraph Pal.
Detractors accuse both presidential front-runners of being major liars.
Like, world class. We're talking Lance Armstrong territory. Yet they
are both monumentally rich and successful. Be like them, kids! Attach
the monitor's electrodes to your index finders and learn the tricks of
the trade. (Doublespeak phrase book sold separately.)
Heal the Bern!
Like the traditional Operation game, but with a twist! Players must use
tweezers to remove items from a comically undressed Bernie Sanders.
Items include: small donors, random podium sparrows and the weight of an
entire young generation.
Zany Rascals Also-Rans Dollhouse.
Do you already miss the cavalcade of kooky that was this year's field
of hopefuls? Well, now you can enjoy them for years to come. Set Martin
O'Malley up with Ted Cruz in the kitchen working together "across the
aisle" to make a salad. Pose Chris Christie and Ben Carson on the patio
hashing out tax reform over steaks and a brew. ("Buzzkill Jeb" Copter
and Malibu Carly Camaro not included.)
This
fall's election is a "teachable moment" for our children, who will
learn, as we once learned, that our democracy is only worth what we are
willing to spend on it.
