Kids' toys being rushed to market this election year

To capitalize on this election year, toy companies are rushing new products into production. Here are just a few:

Ben Ghazi. This action figure comes dressed in desert camo and equipped with a rifle, a satchel of sensitive government documents, and a deep, abiding love of conspiracy theories. Optional accessories: private email server, passable buck. (Pesky Congressional subcommittee not included.)

Baby's First Protest Sign. Whether you are raising little Noah or Emma to "fight the power" or teaching them to urge unshaven strangers to "get a job," WeeSpeech Inc. has you covered. All signs are made of BPA-free foam and are chew-resistant. Custom slogans, including most popular emojis, available.

Lil Trumpeter. Doll comes complete with hair styling gel, business suit, and cardboard big city skyline. Lil Trumpeter is fully posable (use your imagination!) and says what's on its mind, thanks to a computer chip in its backside. Optional accessories: private jet, generic-patriotic-slogan ball cap, Lil Devastated Party Chairman figure.

Hungry Hungry Hillary. Game includes several loose marbles, four investigation-launchers, and four lifelike, and I mean crazy lifelike, Hillary heads. The object of the game is to fire the most marbles ("subpoenas") into Hillary's mouth before Bill can eat them. (Please note: This game never has an end.)

Polygraph Pal. Detractors accuse both presidential front-runners of being major liars. Like, world class. We're talking Lance Armstrong territory. Yet they are both monumentally rich and successful. Be like them, kids! Attach the monitor's electrodes to your index finders and learn the tricks of the trade. (Doublespeak phrase book sold separately.)

Heal the Bern! Like the traditional Operation game, but with a twist! Players must use tweezers to remove items from a comically undressed Bernie Sanders. Items include: small donors, random podium sparrows and the weight of an entire young generation.

Zany Rascals Also-Rans Dollhouse. Do you already miss the cavalcade of kooky that was this year's field of hopefuls? Well, now you can enjoy them for years to come. Set Martin O'Malley up with Ted Cruz in the kitchen working together "across the aisle" to make a salad. Pose Chris Christie and Ben Carson on the patio hashing out tax reform over steaks and a brew. ("Buzzkill Jeb" Copter and Malibu Carly Camaro not included.)

This fall's election is a "teachable moment" for our children, who will learn, as we once learned, that our democracy is only worth what we are willing to spend on it.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Shop till you drop...that sin

 Because you never know when the spirit might hit.

Reaching senior discount eligibility triggers soul-searching

I am turning 55 this week, and my lust for senior-discounted scrambled eggs cannot be contained. Last week I could not afford the pancakes, the bacon and the eggs, but this week, and for the rest of my life, it's "the works" for me. I might even get the cut-rate toast. You used to have to wait until 65 to live this large, and by then you were usually dead.





Top 10 things I am looking forward to about being a senior:

10) Throwing freshmen in the dumpster again. Hey, I look like a harmless old fogie. Who's going to stop me from going on campus? "I'm a senior. It's what we do," I will yell at the police.

9) Water aerobics. Not doing them, just knowing that girls I went to high school with are out there somewhere doing them.

8) No longer having to dress as sharp. (My wife is laughing.)

7) Finally having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (that the Eagles will never play my birthday party), to change the things I can (suspenders are slimming, right?) and the wisdom to know I will truly never have a shot at Claire Danes.

6) My head can finally spend the energy it is no longer using on growing hair to remember the names of people I know that I know.

5) Twenty-four sweet hours a day to blog about my ailments.

4) Ravages of time will seem less pronounced thanks to failing vision.

3) Compulsive need to keep up with the Joneses, thanks to fixed income, will be downgraded to a vague desire to keep up with the hijinks of that Kelly Ripa on that morning show.

2) With age comes perspective, and 10% off most donuts.

1) The deference and respect our society automatically confers on people of my advanced years, especially on the roadway.


My friends who have already attained senior status seem to be split about accepting discounts. Some ask for them openly, while others, when offered them based on their appearance, are offended.

What the cashier says: "Would you like to take advantage of our 10% senior discount?"

What my friends hear: "Do you realize how few days of life you have left on this Earth?"

The husband of one of my friends accuses her of just wanting him for his 10% discount. I say hey, there are worse reasons for staying together. Truth be told, we humans are, none of us, bargains.

 

Wednesday Wa Pic - He's no Marvel

 In the pantheon of lame, forgotten superheroes, he knows no equal.

Wednesday Wa Pic - And don't even get me started on "F"

 Because there is nothing more aggravating than sitting in church and having to listen to a lot of e.

Just another unsolvable mystery of life

It all started, as so many things do, with junk from under the passenger seat. Not ancient French fries. No. On the way to school last week, my son reaches under there and comes up with an empty kiwi-strawberry Snapple bottle. 

"Whose was this?" he asks. I have no idea. I haven't had a Snapple since 50-pounds-of-Bill-Clinton ago. 

That night I ask my wife, "Hey, did you have a Snapple when you drove my car last? Or did Laurie have one?" 

"We went in Laurie's car that day," she says. "Besides, I haven't had a Snapple since they tore that Saddam statue down." 

I text my daughter at college. She's home once a month or so. "I can't remember when I last had Snapple. Especially kiwi-strawberry," she replies. (She's a boba connoisseur.)

I rack my brain about who's been in my car. I email my friend Dave. "Yo, that day we went out geocaching, did you drink a Snapple?"

"I did not," he writes back, almost defiantly, because he only rolls with Gatorade. 

Turns out nobody drank a Snapple in my car. I might guess that nobody wants to confess to leaving trash under my seat, but that makes no sense, since they know I'm the first to leave trash under my seat, at least if the seat's already piled high. 

I flash back two decades. I came out one morning to find my car door ajar and a huge pile of Kleenex on the passenger seat. Someone, I suspected, had used my unlocked car overnight for an amorous escapade. The park near us was known for such vehicular prostitutional activity, and I guess they figured the cops wouldn't be looking at driveways.

But coming back 20 years later just to plant a Snapple bottle? Just to mess with me? I find that far-fetched. And I watch "Game of Thrones," so I know far-fetched. 

To recap: I didn't drink the Snapple, my wife didn't drink it, my kids didn't, nor did anyone who has ridden in the car that we can remember. I sometimes leave my sun roof open at work, so it is theoretically possible that somebody lofted an Abdul-Jabbar quality sky hook, and the bottle miraculously then lodged under the seat. Possible, but not likely.

Buddha famously said, "Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth." Clearly, Buddha never had a car.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Taking no chances edition

 But, wait, I am unclear...can I go out this way?

On this date, April 17...

On this date, April 17, in history:

In 1397, Geoffrey Chaucer recited The Canterbury Tales for the first time at King Richard II's court. By all reports, the looks on the faces of the courtiers were pryceless.

In 1524, explorer Giovanni da Verrazzano reached New York harbor, and was amazed to find a bridge named after him.

In 1555, after enduring 18 months of war, Siena surrendered to the Florentine army and quickly became a rarely-used Crayon color.

In 1861, Virginia seceded from the United States. A century later its battle slogan, "You've come a long way, baby," was used to sell cigarettes.

In 1897, a UFO crash was reported in Aurora, Texas. The craft was reportedly "cigar-shaped," and it's occupant described as a "Martian." The fact that in recent years Aurora had endured a fire, deaths by spotted fever, and a railroad stopping 27 miles short of reaching the town, should not in any way be factored in to the idea that this was a publicity stunt aimed at reversing the town's dwindling fortunes.

In 1905, the U.S. Supreme Court decided the historic case "Lochner vs. New York," which proved that the "right to free contract" was implicit in the 14th amendment's "due process" clause, and I've lost you already.

In 1937, Daffy Duck made his first appearance on film, in "Porky's Duck Hunt." In it, Daffy ate an electric eel and turned into a lightning bolt, and also did his soon-to-be-signature crazy dance. Inexplicably, despite the fact that drunken fish commandeer a boat and sing "On Moonlight Bay," it did not win an Oscar.

In 1945, Brazilian troops captured the town of Montese, Italy back from Nazi troops by waxing them to within an inch of their lives.

In 1961, Cuban exiles trained by the CIA attempted to oust Fidel Castro by invading Cuba via the Bay of Pigs, completely overlooking Cuba's prettier-named Bay of Buena Vista. Proof again that sometimes giving a little heads-up to the P.R. department beforehand can make all the difference.

In 1964, Jerrie Mock became the first woman to circumnavigate the world in a plane, without once having to hand peanuts to a drunk insurance salesman.

Also in 1964, the Ford Mustang came on the market, single-handedly derailing abstinence-only sex education nationwide.

Oh, and Happy Kamada Ekadashi! It's a Hindu holy day. But you knew that.

. . .

Wednesday Wa Pic - Virility you can trust

 Nothing screams "natural" like a roll-up security door.

Those three little words mean home sweet home

In olden times, if you wanted to explain to someone where you lived, you just said something like, "Over the bridge, past the blighted convent, by the hangman's tree. If you get to the mule skeleton, you've gone too far."

But UPS deliveries often went to the wrong hut.

Then humanity came up with road names, numbered addresses, global positioning satellites. But now we have finally reached the pinnacle of precision—three words.

It's an app, and no, I don't own stock in it, but I love the concept—three words to define your location. It's the end of hard-to-remember numbered addresses! Every nine square meters on Earth is a new trio of words.

It's called What3Words, and it allows closer precision than GPS. Plus, it's just fun. For example, one nine square meter section of the White House is at "audit.much.client." Another section is at "cloak.deeper.pulled."

The three words are fixed. They don't change, but the order changes, so the words can be reused. "Deeper.pulled.cloak" is in Washington state. I have become addicted to putting locations into what3words.com just to see if such a place exists.

I type in random combos. "Rabbit.faced.dude" is a spot in an obscure forested corner of Brazil. Granted, it's probably not getting a lot of deliveries. "Snappy.dresser.barely" is in the middle of a lake in Uganda. A small town in British Columbia hosts the location "backward.pickle.sorters." I tried the trio "unwed.donkey.jockeys" and found it in Colombia!

A spot in left field in Dodger Stadium is located at "media.became.kept." A corner of L.A. City Hall is "elite.engage.noses." A section of MacArthur Park is at "vase.awaits.puns." Now that's memorable.

Think about it. If I tell you my address is 4371 Michigan Avenue, and you don't write it down, will you be able to repeat it a day from now? But if I say I live at "rattlesnake.wrangling.expert," that will still be stuck in your brain pan 10 years from now.

(It's in Angola, by the way. Getting UPS to deliver there is another issue altogether.)

Unfortunately, the app guys have already set the words, so I can't choose my own address. I mean, yes, I could live at "stud.beyond.comparing," the address exists, but I'd have to move to Russia.

 . . .

Wednesday Wa Pic - Fowl cashier

 

 I have to say, her human disguise was impeccable. 

Alternate punch line for old SNL/Dana Carvey fans:

This cashier make a lousy house pet.

There are some things you can't un-see

I got new glasses recently, because all those hours of "The Love Boat" in the '70's are finally catching up to me. Some things you can't un-see.

The eye doc said she didn't like my eyeball pressure, so I told her I didn't much care for her shoes. She wrote me a referral to a specialist to see if I might have glaucoma in my future, which, I am pretty sure, as comas go, is not a type that I want.

The specialist's waiting room was packed, and people kept coming in as if word had gotten out that winning lottery tickets were sold there. A guy who came in after me finished his paperwork before me and promptly took the moral high ground, positioning himself in the only space it was possible to stand. I had to sit in a recently-vacated spot with the old people and the lame. I think I saw him smirking, but there were too many people to make out faces.

First I met with a tech who made me rest my chin on a thing and look in a viewer at a tiny red barn at the end of a long white fence row. I saw no cows. I hoped that was a good thing.

The tech put numbing solution on my eyes and dilating drops, and sent me to wait in a darkened vestibule. There were bad paintings on the wall. At least I think they were bad. Who's going to know?

Finally I was called, and as I left, I whispered to the only guy left there, "Make a break for it." He smiled vaguely, but I could tell I would be that night's story at dinner.

The doctor had me look up, down and all around while she shined blue, yellow and white light straight into my brain. There were no little red barns and cow-less fields, only hellfire and pain. Imagine having a job where you torture people all day but you aren't even running for office.

No glaucoma, but the doc advised annual checkups. As I headed back to the car, the world looked fuzzy, like a Hallmark special. Like "Anne of Green Gables" shot through a much-abused salad bar's sneeze guard.

Amazingly, with sunglasses I was able to drive home O.K., and I tell you this—Los Angeles has never looked better.

Wednesday Wa Pic - There's a line, people. There IS a line.

 Humanity might have survived past the 21st Century, but then one Jeff Solensky of Hoboken, New Jersey, tipped the scale, just enough, in oblivion's favor.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Let's teach that arrugula a lesson!

Also known as "the salad negater."

Wednesday Wa Pic - Bull market

 They also have a chicken variety, but I admit I was too afraid to buy it.

This week in history: Man spots Uranus

This week in history...

In the year 461, St. Patrick dies. A full 1301 years later, in 1762, the first St. Patrick's Day parade is put on. This becomes the new standard in what is known as "the long game."

In 1751, future president James Madison is born. He quickly becomes most famous for marrying the woman who invented cupcakes. 

In 1820, Maine joins the union, bringing the state motto, "It's too cold to think of anything" to a national audience. In summer, the motto is changed to something Latin.

In 1837, future president Grover Cleveland is born. I would say more about his life, but that was the high point.

In 1850, "The Scarlet Letter" is published, causing the stock price of CliffsNotes to skyrocket astronomically. 

In 1871, German astronomer William Herschel discovers Uranus, for which schoolboys, even now, owe him a silent debt.

In 1879, Albert Einstein is born, an event which would finally, after thousands of years of human history, make the world safe for goofy hair in the workplace. 

In 1911, Irving Berlin copyrights the song, "Alexander's Ragtime Band," which becomes the first song in history to sell more than a million copies of sheet music despite the presence of "honey lamb" in the lyrics.

In 1916, the U.S. engages in its first-ever air combat mission...no, not in World War I; in Mexico, searching for Pancho Villa. This is not only history; it's a future winning bar bet. 

In 1931, the state of Nevada legalizes gambling, leading sadly, but inevitably, to buffets. 

In 1933, car maker Studebaker goes bankrupt, realizing too late that the buying public thinks it is a company which bakes studes, which nobody has ever heard of. 

In 1950, the FBI debuts its now-iconic "10 Most Wanted" campaign, replacing its previous, unsuccessful mug shot-based operation, "Who Dis?"

In 1958, "Tequila" by the Champs tops the pop charts, thanks to ground-breaking lyrics like this: "Tequila." It quickly becomes Maine's new state motto. 

In 1969, "The Love Bug" opens in movie theaters, redeeming the "sentient car" as legitimate cinematic device; a conceit begun disastrously three years earlier with the TV series, "My Mother The Car," which is about a dude whose dead mother is reincarnated as a car. I do not have a better punchline.

Say what you want about history. I will.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Public Works fail

 "But, your honor, I rear-ended him because I had no idea the cent ne was cl a."

Wednesday Wa Pic - tat zenith

 When the deer starting getting tattoos, you know the trend has reached its pinnacle.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Now THERE'S a visual

 I think I saw this movie at a drive-in.

Wednesday Wa Pic - Sign of the times

Well, I know what roulette is. I hope this is not some sort of bizarre fusion.